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When I was 4-6...

November 8, 2019

Content warning: childhood sexual abuse, abusive relationship, rape  

     

“When I was 4-6 (not sure when) I was sexually abused. I repressed the memories until I was 14. When the memories came back my home life was also really bad and I (I always such a good kid) was lost. I dated a bit and then had my heart broken and I was left by all my friends. When I thought no one liked me, a guy found interest in me. I instantly devoted myself to him, the dumb kid I was. He got me into drugs, and I became the horrible teenager parents fear. 9 months into our relationship I found out I was pregnant - 2 weeks before my 17th Birthday. I cried when I found out. When I told him, he smiled ear to ear and said “I’m gonna be a daddy!”.

 

We stayed together and I had the baby. After giving birth I had some major issues about having sex. So many hormones and emotions going on, I just couldn’t do it. But he didn’t accept that. He forced me into it and told me that if I loved him, I had to show it. He made it sound like it was my duty to have sex with him because we were together, and I believed him. This continued for 9 years. He became a horrible alcoholic and pressured me into drinking with him. Hangovers were easier to deal with than dealing with him. I pleaded with him so many times. That this isn’t who I am, and we needed to change. I finally found the courage to break up with him. That’s when everything went to hell.

 

He tried to kill himself by taking too much Ibuprofen, was shooting guns in our apartment complex, among other things. Seeking attention negatively. My stupid self felt bad and let him stay in the apartment until he could move. It was the worst decision of my life. He called in for me at my job one day while I was still asleep. Hid my phone and car keys. He broke my nose on another occasion and raped me multiple times. I got pregnant from one of those. He held me down and tried to perform an abortion with a clothes hanger but then decided that he wanted the baby. I found a clinic where I could get an abortion 4 hours away. Louisiana makes you get a consultation 24 hours prior to the procedure so 2 days in a row I drove 4 hours to Shreveport and back. After that things settled. He moved and we had a custody battle over our son, but it was nothing compared to the fear I felt living with him. If I had kept that child things would have been so much worse. I later met a new guy and we now have a beautiful daughter. I love both my kids to death, but I truly feel like that one pregnancy could have been my death sentence.” - Anonymous

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November 8, 2019

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