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I had just graduated high school...

April 30, 2019

“I had just graduated high school. My boyfriend was a year younger than I was and we’d been together since I was a freshman. My junior and senior year I started noticing we were both unhappy… he was different. I slowly began noticing I was seeing him less and less. It became normal that we were only seeing each other at school during lunch. We barely held hands, went out, or even kissed. He would hide his phone. He blocked me on social media when I’d have my outbursts, telling him he was hiding me, not trying, or not caring for me. He manipulated me, made me feel and think that I was asking for too much. And still, we continued the routine. My ego grew, I stopped bugging him and starting thinking ‘fuck it, if he isn’t trying why should I?’

 

4 weeks after my graduation, I took a test and found I was pregnant. I was thrilled. I’d been with him for so long... I was loyal to him and I was so ready to give my life to a baby, my baby... ours. I loved the idea so much of being a young mom, with him. It scared me so much but I felt so incredibly blessed. When I told him, he was dry. He had no attachment, no interest... no love for me or the child I was bearing. He wanted me to abort. I felt it in my body, something was being hidden from me. Something was not right, his reaction was that of a stranger, not someone I’d been with for 5 years. I went to the clinic, did the ultrasound, and found out I was 5 weeks. They asked me if I wanted to keep the ultrasound photo, and I messaged him and he said no.

 

I took the first set of pills there and the next day I finished the process at my friend’s house. The blood instantly rushed down my legs, soaking through my pads and staining my socks. I felt cold and hot at the same time. I felt the need to vomit, to use the restroom. I felt contractions almost immediately. I was shaking on the toilet. All I heard was the blood clots hitting the water, and my thoughts consuming me, urging myself to control my breathing. I was shaming myself and just imagining him, wishing so badly he was there, wishing he hadn’t let me go through with this. As the contractions spaced out, my palms were less sweaty, I stopped shivering... I knew it was over after I had lost so much blood and the pain was now normal. He was at work so he picked me up after and when we got to my house, we sat and I reached for his phone and he tossed it out of my hands... and at that moment, I knew why he played like he had no part in this. He was pretending it wasn’t a big deal, because he was talking to some other girl.” - Destiny

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