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My husband and I have been together for 8 years...

April 20, 2019

“My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for three. He has always been leaning towards never wanting kids, although every now and then, he would bring up the possibility of ‘someday’ when we are ready. He is also two years younger than me, and therefore graduated college two years after me, and started his career two years later too. We have always been 100% open and honest with each other, and of course, I wanted him to have his dream job and be happy with his career before even talking about a family one day. On my side of things, yes, I want children with him, but I also am in a place with my career where travel is involved for me to meet my annual goals for my bonuses, and at a transition period where I may be given subordinates. I want to focus on this as well.

 

We also just purchased our home a little less than two years ago, and with this, our savings depleted, and our credit card debt increased. We literally have $0 in savings from purchasing our home, and about $40,000 in credit card debt just from home repairs, furnishing our home, and medical emergencies. We also have a two-year-old dog, who is of course spoiled, but just like our future children, we want to give her the best of the best, and to live a high quality of life. Also upcoming is the fact that our car lease is ending in 4 months and since our credit is literally shot from the house and our mountain of debt, we need to save up the remainder of what is left on the car to pay it outright or we will end up losing our car. We haven’t taken a vacation since our honeymoon three years ago, and we cut out a lot of our ‘play’ budget to save up for our car and to work on these credit cards. Because of all of this, we have been pretty careful with birth control and I have been on the pill since we met.

 

We thought we were invincible, and even when I missed a pill, which did happen, we were aware of what we needed to do and how long to wait for it to be safe to have sex again. This time though, I didn’t miss a pill. I began to feel strange; sore breasts - way more sore than PMS, nausea that lasted all day every day, fatigue, and moodiness. I then realized that my period had not come for a while (my pill sometimes makes me skip months) and we began to worry. Sure enough, when I took the test, there were two lines. I went to the store and took two more tests. They were both positive. Then, reality set in. My husband was 100% on board for an abortion and told me he was nervous that I wasn’t on board. But, he did reassure me that he wanted my decision to not be based on what he wanted, and if I decided to not go through with it, he would be by side, and get used to the idea of becoming a Dad sooner than later.

 

The problem is that is not how I wanted it to be. I wanted him and I to both be jumping up and down with joy and planning every last bit of having this baby together. Not sitting here figuring out what to do. If we had the baby, could we afford it? Surely our car would not be paid for, and we wouldn’t be able to keep it because that money would need to go toward getting ready for the baby. We barely have any money left over each month because of bills and credit cards, so how could we pay for getting ready for a baby, diapers, healthcare, daycare, formula, and everything else each month? Would we lose our home and all that we worked for? Would our dog suffer with these choices too? Would our relationship start to hurt because of finances? Is that all we would be arguing about? Would our baby be a part of that, and would we blame it for our struggles even though it is not their fault at all? How could we bring a child into all of this? I know our family would be so excited and would love this baby to the moon and back, and I know my husband and I would be amazing parents, but our family and our love is not going to pay for our home and our car to make sure we are stable.

 

I also am about 80 pounds overweight and that stressed me out as well, due to the health complications in my family. When I got pregnant, I wanted to have a healthy BMI that would allow me to have a low risk pregnancy, not a high risk one like I would’ve had now. Because of all of this, we decided to have an abortion. I went to Planned Parenthood yesterday with my husband, and we found out we were 7 weeks pregnant. The clinic was amazing, and honestly, I couldn’t have felt more comfortable at the time. We were there for quite a few hours, but all around me were other women dealing with the same choice. It didn’t seem like we were there that long, and the procedure itself was quick and over with in no time. I did get mild sedation, and there was some minor cramping during, but other than that, I have experienced minor bleeding and little cramps since.

 

When we left, I felt okay. My husband and I had a really deep and important conversation about our future, and how this puts things into perspective. I also did get an IUD put in place, but we will be planning for a child in a few years. When I got home, and went to my room, I did break down and sob. I called my husband in, and I sobbed some more. I am not sure if I am feeling guilt, sadness, or if it's my hormones, but I started wondering if we made the right choice. Now, 24 hours later I still feel that way. No one else knows about this but my husband and I, and no one can ever know due to the shame I will feel.

 

The problem is that on the surface, my husband and I have a big house, good paying jobs, nice cars, a stable marriage, and we get to do what we want. That is what our families see. They don’t know about our mountain of credit card debt, student loans, and the fact that our credit is less than desirable. They don’t know the demands of our jobs, and that putting that them on hold will take away thousands of dollars towards that debt. And honestly, they would never understand any of this even if we ever explained it. And I think for me, since my parents aren’t grandparents yet, this would utterly tear them apart because all they would be thinking about is having their first grandbaby.

 

Then, of course, I love my husband more than anything, and the fact that we created something together that was inside of me yesterday and now it's not, is something that I don’t know how to deal with. I know that if we had this baby, we probably would’ve figured it out, and that people do figure it out every day. But, what if we did lose everything? Where would we go? No one could really help us. Would our jobs suffer? Would our baby have to go to a less than desirable daycare? Could we give that baby everything we wanted? Would my husband ever really be 100% on board? Would he ever resent me? Would our relationship fail? It's so hard to explain because I think I made the right choice, but then at times I don’t. How do you get over that? Will it go away with time? When we do have children, will I feel okay knowing I aborted their sibling? All in all, it doesn’t really matter, because we made the decision to go through with it. I wanted to share my experience because I am sure there are other women out there feeling the same way. I am going to work on getting my mind off things, working on my health, and helping to pay off our debt as quickly as we can so we can have a family and be happy. I am just worried these feelings will never go away.” - Anonymous

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