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I'm so glad that websites like this exist...

March 7, 2019

“I'm so glad that websites like this exist so I can share what my experience was freely and without judgement. I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. For weeks I had been feeling nauseous and I was getting really sad and really happy in equal measures. My hormones were all over the place. So, when I took the test it was no real surprise. I don't have a partner. I found out later that I had missed one of my contraceptive pills 7 weeks and 3 days ago when I had sex with a boy on the first date. I was 25 and reckless but I will not apologize for enjoying sex, even if it was on the first date.

 

Within the hour I was on the phone to Marie Stopes having my phone consultation. I knew immediately that I couldn't have a child. Financially and emotionally, I'm just not ready to be a mother. So, this was the only choice for me. My procedure was then booked for the following Tuesday. Tuesday rolled around and I was a bag of nerves. When I got there, it felt like I was waiting for ages with other patients staring at me across the corridor.

 

I was eventually called in and I was making nervous conversation with the nurse. She was polite enough but didn't feel as supportive as I'd have liked. Turns out my blood pressure was really high (shock) so she asked me to get on the bed for a scan and she'd re-read it when I calmed down a bit. So, I lay down while she prodded my tummy. It felt like I was lying there for ages... eventually, she told me to get off the bed and sit down. She told me nothing of how far along I was, she just said ‘I'll take your blood pressure again first.’ The second result was much better.

 

She then proceeded to tell me that there were two embryos. I didn't understand at first. I looked at her blankly and said ‘twins?’ - she nodded. No wonder she wanted to take my blood pressure before I found out that news. She'd written twins on a brown envelope where I assume the sonogram was. And I just could not believe it. All of the sudden I felt emotional about it. Up until this point I hadn't felt emotional at all and had merely thought of it as a simple procedure, but this really impressed upon me the gravity of my decision. I think it’s the word twins. It really threw me for a loop. She wanted me to take more time to think about my decision, but my feelings were still the same. I can't fathom having one baby let alone two. So, we proceeded.

 

I took the first pill which caused no symptoms whatsoever. I then came back the next day and the pills were inserted by my gums to melt. I had to rub the pills into my gums as they were getting more crumbly. This was altogether uncomfortable. After taking the second set of pills I felt the symptoms almost immediately, I think it was only about 10-15 minutes. I've never felt pain quite like it. It was awful for a good hour. I felt so dizzy and nauseous and it was like bad period pains x1000. This finally subsided and the pain was just a dull period ache.

 

The bleeding didn't start until about midnight (I'd taken the pills at 3:30pm). The bleeding was pretty horrendous. I tried not to look down because I'd read that it was awful to see. But I couldn't help myself. I just ended up being on the toilet for an hour and a half because every time I got up it would come rushing out of me again. I felt both of the embryos pass out of me, followed by a huge gush of blood after each one. After they had passed, I still didn't feel emotional. In fact, I felt better. I felt relieved and I was glad about my decision.

 

Throughout this whole process I didn't speak a word of it to anyone. And I think this was the right choice for me. It's not because I'm ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know when I was pregnant because I didn't want anyone questioning my decision and I didn't want the sympathy after the procedure. I just wanted to recover and deal with it myself. If you are going through this alone... it really isn't as bad as you think and no matter what you read... you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. You are stronger than you think, and you can deal with this alone.” – Charlotte

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