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I never really know where to start...

March 3, 2019

“I never really know where to start when discussing my abortion, but I want to try in case it can help so here we go? I split with my partner of 5 years in October of 2018 and it was far from amicable, I’m used to cutting someone out completely, but he would always call on private or show up unannounced, so it was hard for me. I never have regular periods so for me to miss a few was not irregular, however, in December I started to realise I could not keep down food. I was sick all day every day, I felt a tiredness I have never experienced before and had severe back pain, still, I took no test but I knew. I knew that abortion was my only option, it was discussed in passing between me and the father, so it was never a question for me.

 

Originally, I planned to go through it alone, but I found myself telling my mum which, looking back, was a mistake. Behind my back she told my friends and she would drop hints wishing it was the ‘right time for me’. I lost trust in the one person I never expected and was alone but not out of choice. By the time I had my first scan I was 14 weeks and still I felt nothing. I had my pre assessment and then the final termination, longest day of my life and a very cold, hostile environment. Now that it is over, I’m suffering mentally, and my heart is hurting. I can’t help thinking about what could have been and I grieving so deeply for someone that was never really there, I guess.

 

Above all I feel a guilt that nothing helps, words from friends do not console me or make me feel better. I can’t look at babies or children without feeling a lump in my throat. When the nurse told me about the helpline before my procedure I shrugged it off. ‘Not me,’ I thought.

 

After feeling pain with everything I did, I made a call to 111. They advised me to attend an emergency GP appointment who advised me to go to A&E. Retained product of termination. Womb infection. Incomplete. Unsuccessful. Now I await a procedure to finish the process, my body feels like a graveyard carrying around the remains of part of me and a there is a depression in me that I cannot see out of. My body has been tricked into motherhood and I am still lactating. I still have not called the helpline. Why? I’m not sure and I know not everyone has a negative experience but I’m guessing some people do and I sure know I felt alone at many points. But that’s not true.” –Siobhan  

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