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It's been 8 months...

February 25, 2019

“(10/10/17) It’s been 8 months since my abortion and not a day goes by when I still don't think about it. It almost feels like I’m haunted by the trauma of it all and every day some insignificant thing will happen which makes me relive every painful detail of that period of my life. I still feel so alone when I think about it. I would never wish this pain on anyone, but I can't help but feel like I need women, like the ones on here also sharing their stories, to show me that there is solidarity I need. We're not all just statistics for men and politicians to have futile discussions over in various governments with no regard to the fact that what they're so opinionated about is not just babies but women, with complex feelings and emotions making one of the most difficult decisions they will ever have to make.

 

I cry every day and I scream just asking for me to be normal again and return to the happy person I was before. No matter what I do I can't seem to shake the feeling that something fundamentally has changed within me. I can't talk about ANYTHING pregnancy or baby related without a little switch flicking inside me where I am reminded of my choice and my life as it is now. Where I feel like I don't know what the root is of this depression I have is. Is it guilt? Is it longing for a different outcome? I hope that soon I'm strong enough to share my full story of what happened with the only people I feel like can really understand what it is I might be going through or feeling.

 

I'm 24 and about to turn 25 and these should be the best years of my life but this whole event has turned my life and me into something I no longer recognize. A girl who smiles and laughs her way through parties and dinners and law school and her job acting as if not a thing has changed but who's mind is enveloped in this all-encompassing sadness and feelings of missing a part of my soul. I playfully act as if I’m fine when in reality I feel like the only thing I have ever been truly in love with is no longer here because of a choice I made.

 

Why can't I accept that I made that choice at that time because it was right for me then? I don't know. I laugh and say 'god men are useless' but my friends don't know quite how deep my pain and distrust in men is rooted. The fact that the guy who got me pregnant, who pretended to care about me showed me what a total lack of empathy looked like in a barely human being and told me that I had to 'get rid of it because it was just too stressful' and when I told him I had taken the second set of pills (after he didn't come to the clinic with me) he never responded or had the guts to call me to check I was ok.

 

I hate that he has been able to walk away as if not a thing has changed. The privilege and convenience he had and always will have of the reality of his actions occurring in someone else’s body is something I wish more than anything I could have. He said to me ‘my apologies for being a bit callous’—to this day it baffles me that anyone could think that was an appropriate response or apology to me, the person who they made feel so scared that at 11:30 pm, while ice glistened on the pavement in earls court and snow steadily fell, that I walked alone for 20 minutes to the station crying so much I couldn’t see in front of me, while the reality that I was really all alone hit me like the lorry I only wished would hit me so I wouldn’t have to think about anything anymore. When I lay on my bedroom floor screaming and bleeding more than I thought it was possible for a human to withstand without dying I knew there was no going back. I would never be the person I used to be. Too much had happened to me.

 

When I saw the fetus come out of me I stared at it for 2 hours and sobbed while I apologized to my baby knowing that nothing I ever said would be enough. I no longer tell my friends or my mum that I’m feeling this way because I know they're probably thinking ‘god its been 8 months now she really needs to be over it there are worse things’ and then I think to myself they're right. 1 in 3 women in the UK have had an abortion so I really am just a statistic but then why do I feel like I am going through a process of grief?

 

It's easy to forget that statistics are about complex beings who don't just disappear when you change the channel and want to stop thinking about things that 'don't affect you'. Anyone that is going through a similar pain: I am here, your feelings are ALWAYS valid and in case your mind is playing any tricks on you the way mine does daily: You are important, you are loved and you matter. Your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not.

 

(02/02/18) So I’m 25 now. It’s been a year. This is the anniversary week of when it all happened. A whole year has passed. 365 days. Yet every day feels like it was only yesterday. Time has slowed down to an almost standstill. I feel like I’m stronger now and some days will happen where I think wow. You’re ok. You can talk about this and you are fine. But all it takes is some alone time, me and my brain. Me and my body that betrayed me 365 days ago. I used to think it was my mind playing tricks on me but that I could identify it. Now, I no longer trust even myself. I never thought I would be so pathetic as to cry hopelessly watching Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement video. All I could think watching it was: How horribly unfair. I wanted this. I wanted all of this. And by this, I mean I just wanted the support. From Sam, Ma, everyone. I just wanted people to tell me I could keep it because that’s all I wanted. So desperately. To keep it. It would have been hard but it would have been so worth it because I wouldn’t feel like this every day. I would be depressed and sad no doubt—but I wouldn’t be longing for absolution and resolution that I could never find.

 

(02/25/19 I’m 26 now. It’s been 2 years since everything happened. It’s a strange feeling because now when I think about it, I feel as though I am watching a film. A well-acted film which makes you feel all the emotions as if you are the character. I stand by the switch flicking feeling. I almost feel as though the experience made me lose my innocence to an extent. Babies, pregnancy, and everything in between make me feel a dull pain in my stomach, like I’ve just been caught out in a lie or something. I cannot fathom a day when pregnancy will not be a death-sentence feeling. Will I feel actual joy looking at the test? Will I revel in the symptoms instead of feeling a deep sense of betrayal from my body. Who knows. All I know is for now, what I do know is that female friendships are the thing that allowed me to really get through all of this. I also know that it is ok to acknowledge that something can have an everlasting effect on a person without ruling over it forever. I have slowly learnt to forgive myself for the pain and guilt I feel. It is ok to feel everything you feel. There is no right way to handle it.” –Adrita

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