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Where do I even start...

February 14, 2019

“Where do I even start...I’m not going to make this detail-to-detail because it’s a lot and I’m still very emotional about it but talking about it really helps. I found out I was pregnant on January 1st, 2019 (New Year’s Day to be exact.) I knew I was pregnant. Obviously, I missed my period, had a positive pregnancy test, extreme fatigue, really bad mood swings, and I had strong food cravings—mainly for Chinese takeout. I was very emotional, I was already about 5 weeks pregnant when I found out. I waited so long to make my decision because I was scared to become a mom and raise a human being. I didn’t know if I would be a good mom or bad mom.


I just wasn’t ready. I’m 19, lost my job, in debt already from tickets, my car note, rent, etc. I just wasn’t ready. I was under a lot of stress and me being pregnant made it even harder to get through life it seemed like. Neither did I want to get an abortion. No one really does, but you have to make the right decision for not only you, but the life that’s growing inside you.


I became very depressed. I was sick all the time. I couldn’t keep anything down. The person who got me pregnant was my ex. I didn’t want anything to do with him and I was afraid to raise a child with him due to our past history.

I made the appointment, and by this time I was 10 weeks along. I went with the surgical abortion done under twilight anesthesia. The anesthesia was supposed to keep my anxiety level at a minimum and keep me basically out of it during the procedure, but I was going to be conscious. The medicine didn’t work, and of course I totally freaked out during the whole procedure. It hurt a lot and the fact that I could hear the machine going off made it even worse. I was crying and breathing uncontrollably. I told the doctor to stop because I couldn’t do it, but I just told myself I needed to get this over with.


So, it was finally over, and I felt relief. I had some cramping and light bleeding afterwards. All the pregnancy symptoms I was having were completely gone. Maybe 2 days after I started to experience very strong contractions because my cervix was going back to normal size from being so far along in my pregnancy, but bleeding wasn’t bad which is backwards. I took 4 200 mg Advil’s every 4 hours, but it still felt like the pain medicine wouldn’t even take the pain away. I felt like that was my way of getting punished for what I’ve done. I kept asking God for forgiveness and that I would never allow myself to do that ever again and next time I will do everything to prevent this. I’m still currently recovering from this traumatic experience, but I will be alright and push through this with the prayers and patience.”   —Anonymous

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