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Today is Valentine's day...

February 14, 2019

“Today is Valentine's day, a day my partner and I usually celebrate with joy, and I usually cook something special... Not this Valentine's day. Today I completed my abortion, with medication. This, unfortunately, is my third abortion. I had one when I was 12 or 13, another when I was 18 or 19. I feel like my brain has completely blocked out those experiences and not until now have I thought of them again.

 

I regret neither of them. I was so immature, I had nothing, and the fathers were only sperm donors. But this abortion at 26, this one hurt, and I believe will leave me scarred for life. I feel evil by saying that the other abortions before this one meant nothing to me, but I'm trying to be as honest as possible. I guess in some way I feel this abortion was just karma coming back to haunt me. I had no interest in having kids for the longest time. I felt my boyfriend had no interest in kids, and ultimately engraved the idea of not wanting kids into my head. How weak of me I know, but again just being honest.

 

Our relationship has always been complicated, and I fear always will be, this experience has made me distance myself from him. I can’t stand being close to him and he wants to be close to me all the time. We haven't been sleeping together because I can't stand his smell. It's horrible. He used to bring me so much comfort.

 

My two previous abortions were surgical. I went in and got them done and the next day I felt nothing and went back to my immature self. This time I decided to have the medication abortion because it was possible, I was 9 weeks. My experience being pregnant was a nightmare and I have a negative blood type and had to go to the emergency room twice because I was bleeding. My second visit to the emergency room, the hospital staff seemed annoyed that I was back, but I was really concerned I had miscarried at that point. I wasn't sure if I was keeping the pregnancy. At 5 and a half weeks they didn’t hear a heartbeat but said it was possible it was too early to predict a miscarriage. I was given the shot for my body to stop creating antibodies.

 

I spent my days vomiting. I lost weight, I couldn't drink water, and the smell of anything and everything made me vomit, even after the shot it was horrible. I finally decided I couldn't carry on. I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood but wasn't able to be seen until about 2 almost 3 weeks later. The waiting was excruciating and the horror stories on the internet about medication abortion were crippling. My boyfriend and I finally drove to the clinic with about an hour wait to be seen, but finally I was in. I was given an ultrasound and they determined that I was 9 weeks and could proceed with the medication abortion.

 

I was given the first pill at the clinic and was given a set of pills to take 24 hours later orally. I threw up after taking the first pill at the clinic about 15 minutes after taking it. I was so distraught that I had vomited the pill and it wouldn’t work. I got home and threw up twice more and was convinced it was not going to work. About an hour later I felt blood on my pants, ran to the bathroom and out came a lemon sized clot with more blood. I was in shock because I wasn't expecting nor was I told this would happen after the first pill. The next day I followed with the next dose as instructed, letting them dissolve in my cheeks for 30 minutes. It was horrible and tasted awful. As soon as I rinsed and drank the remaining of the pills the pain in my stomach started. I sat on the toilet I had diarrhea immediately and passed clots for about 15 to 20 minutes, which felt like an eternity. It was the most pain I have ever been in in my life. I wanted nothing more than for it to be over. It was if someone was pulling on my insides trying to RIP them out from my anus. It was hell.

 

I finally sat down and started nodding off thanks to the promethazine I was prescribed. I woke up a few hours later and I still had diarrhea and I'm still bleeding and feel weak and overwhelmed with different emotions, but I have begged and begged for forgiveness and for strength and I really believe Jesus is standing by me even after sinning. I sure hope so.

 

I managed to make myself a tuna sandwich. I feel no nausea and no more vomiting. I really hope the worst has passed. The pain was excruciating agony and I was home alone. My boyfriend had already missed days of work and couldn't stay home. He's been supportive but I know that he feels nothing compared to what I feel and it makes me resent him. The only reason I didn't keep my pregnancy is because I'm unemployed and my journey in life has been ugly because of my mistakes and because of child neglect when I was younger. I feel very alone and want to move forward but don't know how. And I just don't know if I have it in me. My baby deserves better. He deserved to be desired and to be given every chance in the world to be successful. I feel I couldn't provide anything for this baby, and that my partner would have resented me for burdening him. I don't think he was mentally ready for a baby. He is selfish and so am I. I hope I will use this as strength. I'm scared.”   —Anonymous

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