“I’m 19 and my due date would have been tomorrow. In June of 2018 I found out I was pregnant. I remember the exact moment the test came back positive as I sat in a service station toilet, by myself, whilst my boyfriend was getting us both a coffee. I hadn’t felt right for week. My period was late and whenever I went to drink alcohol something inside of me told me not to. So, as we drove home from our holiday, I went into Tesco to buy a test, thinking absolutely nothing of it. But that test changed my life forever.
I told my boyfriend and he thought I was joking about it. It wasn’t until I pulled the positive test out of my handbag when we got back into the car he realized why I was in such a panicked state and was so desperate to get out of that service station. I thought a cheap test from Tesco could have got it wrong, so I bought another 4 tests. Each one lit up positive like turning lights on a Christmas tree. Then I visited the doctors as I still couldn’t believe it was true.
I was careful, I was on the pill yet I still fell pregnant. Immediately after finding out, my thoughts turned to the stigma that comes with teen pregnancy, then it was how do I tell my parents, my grandparents or my friends. Is anyone going to be happy for me? Are people going to judge me? And am I actually capable of doing this? I’d been in a serious car accident 7 weeks prior to finding out I was pregnant, so I was dealing with all sorts of PTSD, and was already extremely low and depressed. Finding out you’re pregnant, you’re supposed to be happy and all I felt was dread that I couldn’t be what my baby deserved. I didn’t know anyone who had been through a termination and didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about it. Not even my boyfriend as he was over the moon about my pregnancy.
After weeks of trying to figure out what I was going to do, I made the decision to have a termination. For me at the time it was the best thing for me to do. I didn’t feel like I could give my baby everything it needed or everything it deserved because it would have deserved the world and more, but I physically couldn’t have given them that at the time. I had just started a new job so I wouldn’t have got maternity leave, as previously mentioned I had just been in car accident and I lived with my mum and her partners family, which I couldn’t have done with a baby. People will read this and think, ‘well she made the decision to have a termination and she went through with it, any after effects she has was brought on herself,’ which I suppose is correct. But it doesn’t make the mental or physical pain any easier just because it was my decision.
I went through the termination all by myself as my boyfriend didn’t feel he could be there as it would be too upsetting, which I admit it was upsetting and heartbreaking, but I could have done with the support. I had counselling and tried to sweep everything under the carpet like I was told to do. I was told not to dwell on anything and put it all in my past, which everyone thinks I’ve done, but it plays on my mind all the time and I have no one to talk to about it.
I wonder all the time whether I would have made it to my due date or if I would have had a little boy or girl or who they would have looked like more. Just because I didn’t feel I could carry my baby at the time doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time. It doesn’t mean I loved them any less and it doesn’t make me a horrible person for doing what I did. The stigma that surrounds abortions needs to stop. Just because someone didn’t feel capable of carrying their baby doesn’t make the decision any easier for any woman, no matter what their age is. Everyone woman has a right to decide what happens within their body.” —Anonymous