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I don't know how to start this...

August 3, 2018

“I don’t know how to start this, and I don’t even know if writing this will help make me feel better. All I know is regret. Just graduating from high school, in the summer I met this guy. That, I believe, I felt much love for. He made me happy and made me feel like we had something good going on. Everything with him felt good, I enjoyed every day with him.

 

‘Til this day, I don’t really know if he ever felt anything real for me. We had sex very quickly, he was leaving to the army soon, but I continued to have sex with him. Sometimes we used protection and sometimes we didn’t. I took plenty of plan b’s and the week he left I got my period, so I thought there was nothing to worry about. But I ended up confusing my period with spotting. Or maybe it was my period.

 

The doctor said any of those could’ve been possible. I didn’t find out about my pregnancy until weeks later by accident. The very next day I found a clinic. I didn’t really think things thoroughly. All I knew is that I was alone and that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t sure I was attending college. I knew deep inside I would ruin things for the dad’s life. I was lost, completely lost. I made up my mind quick.

 

I got an abortion at the age of 18. At the clinic I took the first pill, as soon as I swallowed it I felt so much hate towards myself. The next day I took the second dose, it was probably the hardest thing I ever done. And will ever do. Just remembering the moment makes me hate myself even more. I remember sitting in the tub for hours praying and apologizing to God for what I was doing.

I reminded myself that I was going to be okay. I hate thinking about how alone I felt in that moment, I remember sitting in the tub thinking nothing was real. When the pain started increasing I went to the toilet, I believe the fetus came out. I felt the emptiest I ever felt. My heart felt a type of pain I don’t wish upon anybody.

 

The next morning, I remember being in so much pain I couldn’t really move I couldn’t even take my blanket off my body. I always fought with everything I had in me to stand up for my beliefs in pro-choice. So disappointed in myself. I don’t believe abortion was the right choice for me. I feel like I will forever feel empty. I will forever feel guilty. My own blood. I created you. I am so sorry. So sorry. I love you, I do mean it. I’m so sorry. I’ll never forget August 1, 2018. I should’ve listened to my heart.”    —Gabriela Martinez

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