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I was a 20-year-old sophomore...

May 9, 2018

“I was a 20-year-old sophomore at a top University. Like any young and naive college girl I fell for a bad boy. We clicked like no other person I’d been with. He made me feel remarkable and everything around us was irrelevant. He then went to jail and two weeks later after being 10 days late and in denial I found out I was pregnant.

 

I was beyond scared and I was so disappointed in myself. I didn’t want to drop out of school and the life I wanted to provide for my child I couldn’t do so at that time. I immediately knew I wanted an abortion.

 

In KY there’s only one abortion clinic left standing. I went to one when I was 4 weeks and learned I was too early and would have to come back. Me and my mother walked through tons of screaming protesters who told me I would go to hell and that I was a murderer. I then decided I didn’t want to go back there and we went to Planned Parenthood in Indiana.

 

I went to the first appointment with my mother and got some tests done. The staff was friendly, no one was rude. It was a very eerie feeling, the waiting room was completely silent. I guess me and the other women were all contemplating this life changing step we were participating in.

 

The next day I had to go again for the actual procedure. I chose the medical abortion because I felt as though it would be easier. I sat in the waiting room by myself this time and continuously had to hold myself back from crying in front of everyone.

 

The doctor called me in the office and went over the steps. She then gave me the first pill and sent me on the way. During the whole ride home I prayed for god to forgive me. That was probably the hardest moment of my life. Although I knew he would forgive me, I couldn’t help but to feel guilt for not giving my child a chance. I mean I am the one who laid down and had sex and now I couldn’t stand up and raise it. I prayed that I would be forgiven and that one day I can raise another child in a loving two parent home.

 

I didn’t have bad cramps. They did get intense at one point but nothing unbearable. I would then just take my pain meds. I went to the gas station on my way back from the clinic and felt this uncontrollable rush between my legs. It was like I had peed on myself but it was the pregnancy passing from the pill. I had heard that some women could see their fetus pass so I made it my mission to never look in the toilet.

 

I went home and went right to sleep. I felt if I did that I wouldn’t be experiencing more of it than I needed to, I could just sleep it away. I became extremely depressed after my abortion. I constantly beat myself over the fact that I didn’t have my child. I absolutely LOVE kids so to be in a position to not have my own tore me up. Whenever I saw people my age or in school successfully raising their child I would tear up. Then my two best friends became pregnant a couple months later and that added more salt to my wound.

 

I still get emotional about it at times but I can say that I’m at peace with my decision. I know that I made the right decision for me. I’m now about to graduate with my bachelors and I know with a child at that time that may not have been possible.

 

Regardless of the pain I’ve experienced because of my abortion and the continued hurt I will feel, I know that if it was meant for me then it would be. I have faith I will birth a healthy child when it’s my time but for now I will continue to grow from this. Abortion is hard, but life is hard. And any hard battle will only bring out a stronger person. No one will raise the child but the woman who is pregnant so her decision is the only one that matters. There is life after abortion, and it can be an AMAZING life if you just make it one.” 

—Anonymous

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