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I found out I was pregnant on the 2nd December 2017...

April 4, 2018

“I found out I was pregnant on the 2nd December 2017 after being late for my period. I was on the pill and my periods have never fell when they were supposed to so I have taken more pregnancy tests in the last 9 years than I can count because of this. So this one was no different. Apart it was. There was 2 lines not just the one.

 

I have a nine year old daughter from a previous relationship however have been with my husband for 8.5 years, he has always been straight with me, he never wonted kids, he is fantastic to my little girl and has brought her up as his own, but that was it for him. I wonted this for so long and sometimes it had caused tension between me and my husband, but I was finally at peace with the fact that I had my beautiful daughter and that was all I needed.

 

He was shocked, I was shocked. We had many conversations about what to do, some were loving some a little more vocal, but he still was clear with me, he didn’t wont children. Which I don’t hold against him. I new this from the start. He said he wouldn’t leave and he won’t see any harm come to our baby but he didn’t wont it. He was honest. But I new our relationship wouldn’t be the same if we went ahead.

 

I made the hard choice for an abortion, I made it right in my head, it was the best thing for our family. On the 22nd of December I had a surgical abortion. As soon as I woke up I was crying, heartbroken. The staff were lovely and so supportive and made me feel like I wasn’t the murderer that I felt I was.

 

But after I felt ok, I didn’t feel sick any more or tired and felt more like myself and for the next few days I was ok with my decision. Then it hit me for weeks after I was a mess, I missed my baby, I wonted him back so badly and hated myself for not being strong enough for him (in my head my baby was a boy). Then I began to feel better, it was more moments of pain rather than days. I thought it was easing.

 

Then it hits you again, Mother’s Day, 20 weeks, I should be feeling my baby move, should be buying baby clothes. And the worse thing about it is the loneliness. My husband is fantastic he listens but I don’t like consistently putting on him. I have told very few people, as soon as you say it “I’ve had an abortion” you feel you get this stigma.

 

I have a close friend who is constantly texting to see how I am, and although I thank her for it, it sometimes makes me feel like I should be sad when I’m having a good day. This was the hardest decisions I have ever made and will stay with me forever. I wish people understood more about people’s reasons for choosing this path and how hard it can be. I wish it was more open and accepted, rather than it feeling like a massive elephant in the room. I will never get over this, I know this now. I will still long to turn back time in 5, 10 years time. However part of me does know that I made the correct choice, for my husband, our relationship and ultimately the happiness of my daughter. I just have to remind myself of this!”  —Anonymous  

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