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I am 21 and I had my abortion yesterday...

March 3, 2018

“I am 21 and I had my abortion yesterday. I was 6 weeks however, I realised at two weeks when I felt heavily nauseous and could smell everything intensely. I wish I was able to have this baby. Immediately, I felt a connection, I could feel the baby weirdly enough, and yes I know that sounds impossible but I suppose its my own maternal relationship. I cradled my flat belly in the shower, sometimes talk to it and dreamed of winning the lottery.

 

My boyfriend said he is supportive and we have been together for two years, but later on when I asked him what he preferred he said he can't be a dad. That crushed me, if he had said lets do this I would have thought of nothing else. But we are both in our final year of university, with no money and no jobs. It gets worse as I am Indian and he is Nigerian. My parents are unhappy I am in a relationship with someone who isn't my own origin, so if I came home with a baby I would a hundred percent been on the street.

 

Yet, this isn't the main reason I aborted, I aborted because I didn't have faith that my boyfriend would stay with me for this. Writing this I feel guilty but at times I felt like he was making me choose between him and the baby, and that is unfair because all he was, was honest about what he wanted. I thought about it for myself for two weeks and decided he was right, we have no money and no jobs. I felt happy with my decision, I was sick of being pregnant, I wanted to be myself again.

 

Then once I did it, I couldn't feel anything. I felt numb. I felt like it was so simple, then randomly the day later (today) I felt an overwhelming guilt take over me. I cried uncontrollably multiple times, I couldn't say a sentence without tears streaming down my face. I imagined the little baby I refused, the baby I want so bad with the love of my life. The baby I aborted.

 

It's hard not to blame yourself, it's not just simple and it bears so hard on my heart emotionally. I feel selfish and weak, like I actually let my child down. I wish the abortion hurt more, I wish I felt more pain, to punish myself. I found myself pinching and bruising myself in the hope I get satisfied with the marks I leave myself. It sounds fickle and over-dramatic but I can't help it.

 

My boyfriend is encouraging me to talk to someone, my best friend say's I need to see the good in this. None of this helps the constant guilt and heartache, I don't know if it will ever heal or I'll just learn to forget, but either way I have to be bold. I don't know if I regret the abortion yet, all I know is the emotional burden afterwards is unbearable, yet I can't bring myself to climb out of this state.”  —Harpreet

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