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I don't even know where to start. I don't even want to type this...

December 12, 2017

"I don't even know where to start. I don't even want to type this, but I feel as if it's necessary. I've tried to be positive and look on ‘the bright side.’ But what if there isn't a bright side?

 

I got an abortion and ever since, I've just felt empty. It's only been 5 days... and I want to die. I regret it so much. But there's no going back. I put the pill in my mouth and held it there I thought for a second.. Was I was doing the right thing? And my brain, My stupid, stupid brain, Said yes.

 

I should have listened to my heart. My heart was screaming at me ‘Don't fucking swallow it’ But my brain made me do it. I instantly regretted what I had just done. The drive home was agonizing. My boyfriend wanted me to do it. He convinced me that it was what we needed. I have so much anger towards him.

 

The thoughts were running through my head. What will my family think? We got home. And I lost it. I wanted to leave. I packed my stuff. And started walking. My boyfriend chased after me. I screamed at him, I told him I hated him. He convinced me to come back inside. He held me as I cried out loud. He said: ‘We'll get through this together’ That was a lie.

 

The next day I took the second dose. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever been through. I just couldn't stop pushing. After deficating and puking at the same time, I took the pain medication. That took 30 minutes to kick in. It knocked me out. I woke up in the middle of the night.. Blood was running down my legs. I could feel the first clot starting to come. I ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, And out came what I expect was the fetus. My heart broke.

 

How could I do something so cruel to my own blood? To something I created? I cried, and flushed the toilet. That happened about 3 more times.. The day after wasn't any easier. If anything, it was worse. My boyfriend went to work, And I was alone. With my own thoughts.

 

Throughout the day I got a text. ‘I want to go out drinking with friends tonight’ I didn't know whether to be upset or pissed. How could he be so selfish? How could he tell me I wouldn't be alone? My heart was racing. Needless to say, he went out And I spent the night alone. The night after everything. I contemplated suicide.

 

The next day I went to my grandma's. She knew I was getting an abortion and she is upset about it. She called me a killer. She said she will never forgive me.

 

I am alone. I wish I never would have done it. And given the chance to go back I wouldn't even consider it. I would tell my boyfriend to fuck off And I would leave his ass. We made the choice to have sex, We should have dealt with the consequences.

 

I was always pro choice. And I always said if I was in that position, I would never chose to have an abortion. Why did I let a guy persuade me into doing something.. Something that I didn't want? It is something that will haunt me until the day I die. For some women, abortion is the right choice. But it wasn't the right one for me."  —Paige

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