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My story is pretty messed up...

December 4, 2017

"My story is pretty messed up and I’m sharing it that maybe someone else suffering kinda from the same situation can get help.

 

I have to start out that I am gay but I had slept with a one guy in the past in 2007. 5 years later on April 3rd I ended up making a mistake and I slept with my best friends husband. I never liked to be  alone with him and I always got a bad vibe from him and the one and only time I decided to hang out with him, we had sex. I didn’t think anything of it cause it was the first time I had sex with another guy again in 5 years.

 

To be safe two week later I took a test and it was negative. I didn’t think any thing of it until April 21st or 22nd I was listening to a conversation between my girlfriend and her little sister about her thinking she was pregnant (my girlfriend also had to kids) and was asking like if she knew, and I was listening to the things she described and it was weird cause I’m like hold up..

 

They went and got a test that came with two and she ended up not being pregnant. After she left I started to think and realized I still hadn’t gotten my period and I normally always get it around the same time. End of the month. For shits and giggles I took the other test cause I couldn’t possibly be pregnant could I? And a couple minutes had passed and I looked down and a very faint second line was there. I was freaking out and I didn’t know what to do..

 

I went to my friends and we got another test that came with two of the digital responses. Those both came back pregnant and I remember sitting staring at the test thinking not will show up. Just wait. After an hour and it still hadn’t showed up I left my friends and headed over to tell my friends husband. He was scared because he didn’t wanna get caught and my friend was currently 3-4 months pregnant with his kid and he kept telling me to take plan b but I told him it was way to late for that now..

 

I ended up taking 3 more tests until it finally sinked in.. I was pregnant. I told my family about it and they were divided. I have triplet sisters. All have kids. And one of them and my mom told me to give it up for adoption or get an abortion cause I couldn’t handle a child.

 

At this time I was 22 years old. And I had recently tried meth for the first time and up until this point I had only done it 4 times between Feb and March.

 

One sister was happy for me and my other sister didn’t know because she was away at basic.

 

When my dad found out.. it literally broke my heart because I’m his only child because my sisters and I only shared our mom and my dad always favorited me up until when my mom left him for a girl when I was 18 and he blamed me like I had influenced her, even though she had only stayed with him cause she wanted me to grow up with both parents..

 

After that, he pretty much disowned and would never help me with anything but always helped my sisters cause they had kids. He had called and asked if it was true cause my mom had called him and told him because I was scared to tell him, and she had told him what she thought I should do and he asked me what I was thinking, and he told me to remember something when making my decision. That I had a little 'binjieboopers' growing in there (this is my nickname and he always calls me this) and I was giving him something he always wanted... his first real grand child and I realized right there. I’m keeping this baby.

 

My girlfriend ended up finding out what had happened and told me to leave. Because she couldn’t raise 3 kids because we wouldn’t all fit in her trailer. It sucked cause I had finally gotten her back and I didn’t wanna lose her. We ended up talking and she said I couldn’t stay there but we could work on everything she just didn’t wanna be reminded of what I did with another kid in the picture. And she said we should go to Sioux Falls to talk with someone about options..

 

I was still kind of confused on what I really wanted to do. I didn’t want to lose my girlfriend and maybe in the future we could have a kid together when we planned it, and maybe I couldn’t handle it because I was 22 and in between jobs. I ended up having an ultra sound which they normally always do and just seeing that on the screen and knowing I had something inside of me, the size of a grain of rice. I changed my mind and when I had told my ex about it (she told me that she would also pay for it). she told me that if I kept it she would leave me in Sioux Falls and I would have to find a different way home.

 

I was hours from home and didn’t know what to do so I ended up following through and getting the procedure done. She promised she’d be there the day I did it to make sure I was okay and such and she ended up leaving as soon as I took the pills. She came back later that night and asked if it had happened and I said I think it did. I woke up the next morning to her dumping me and telling me to get out of her house.

 

I was angry. Sad. Like why had she done all this shit and still left when I could have been left to raise my baby. After this I fell into a really deep depressed and went on a 4 month meth binge to help me forget and the only reason I stopped was because I ended up catching charges and had to sit some jail time.

 

I was suppose to be due December 25th and since then Christmas time has become very hard for me. Constant regret and no matter how sober I am, months. A year. I always relapse on Christmas.

 

This year I wanted to try something different because I can’t use this as an excuse to get high. I needed to learn how to forgive myself so then I wouldn’t hate myself for what I did. To this day I am so confused on if the baby had felt anything or was in any pain. I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I regret the decision I made and knowing how much my life has fallen apart and if I ruined the only chance I ever had to have kids.”  —Anonymous

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