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I'm here to tell you about why I had my abortion...

June 16, 2017

“I'm here to tell you about why I had my abortion, why it's ok for me, and why it shouldn't give anyone any right to make me or you or ANYONE feel uncomfortable or any type of way for making a decision such as that. I think some people think abortion is easy, like you get pregnant and just suck it out or pop a pill and expel it and you go back to normal life. For some people maybe it is, and that's ok. Not everyone wants kids.

 

But for other people, it's a very hard and emotional experience. And you can still believe in god, you can still have a heart. You are not a bad person for your abortion. And I want people to know that because it's so important that through this emotional experience you have support and hear from other people their stories and maybe have a piece of mind knowing you're not alone. So here's my story.

 

First things first, before I get into how I became pregnant and why I ended up having an abortion, I'll tell you about myself. I'm 22 years old. I've never been married, and I have no children. I'm a Godmother, and a girlfriend. My 26 year old boyfriend of 2 years has a child from a previous marriage. His daughter is 3 years old, and her mother has always been very bitter towards me. Whether it be she doesn't want to see him happy, or her own personal reasons. But I'm very good to her daughter, never go too far or cross any lines being a stepmother, and I don't do anything to put her daughter in any type of danger. But she still resents me.

 

Now my boyfriend didn't leave her, and wasn't a "dead beat dad". He's an amazing father, and she left him because of his job situation at the time. For sickness and in health, right? But back to the point, this information is key to the rest of my story, so moving forward.

 

I live on my own. I'm a dental assistant at a catholic dentist office and I bar tend on weekends. Angel by day devil by night. I made a lot of money and spent it on my hair, makeup, clothing, and drinking with friends. Going to concerts. Living it up with the tiny bit of free time I had and in the meantime killing it as a nursing student. Life was good.

 

My boyfriend and I had just taken the next step and moved in with each other. We were sexually active but I never took birth control because my OBGYN told me I couldn't get pregnant. We used the pull out method and thought everything was going to be cool. And then boom. Just like that. After two years of unprotected sex I was pregnant.

 

I stared at the pregnancy test in the bathroom stall of the bar I worked at in disbelief. It didn't feel real. It made me feel like my friends test I took was old and defective because it was something that was never supposed to be possible. I was afraid to tell my pro-life boyfriend who already had a child who desperately wanted a son because I knew I wasn't ready. I wanted to finish school. I wanted to live my life. But it made me feel sick to my stomach thinking of the tiny innocent life forming inside of me and how it was my first child. I'm the first born in my family. It made me think a lot.

 

But surprisingly enough, my boyfriend loved and respected me enough to consider my option of abortion IF I were to keep it if I ever got pregnant again. After a lot of time of thinking.... we decided this was best. After all, I wasn't married. I worked at a catholic dental office and felt like I would be judged for my premarital sins, and who wants to tip a pregnant bar tender? My nursing career was important too. I've seen so many of my friends keep their children and struggle. And if by small chance my boyfriend and I didn't make it I wouldn't want to put him in another situation like this. It was the best decision for us.

 

I second guessed myself a lot. When I got my first ultrasound, saw the heart beat. Saw my tiny little baby that wasn't even a baby yet. I had been pregnant for 7 weeks and 6 days. 7 weeks and 6 days of heavy drinking and a Las Vegas trip smooshed in there too. My baby could have any type of mild or severe FAS. I researched it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept it and something was wrong. It just wasn't the right time....

 

I did a lot of crying. And breaking up with my boyfriend blaming him. Blaming him for not fighting to keep it or for getting me pregnant. I didn't want a baby but I didn't want to abort my baby either. I slowly came to realize this was my worst nightmare. Me being pro choice I always thought an abortion would be a simple thing to do. But I was so wrong. So so so wrong. It was probably the most difficult and heart breaking decision of my life.

 

I took the pill abortion at 8 and a half weeks pregnant. And was in the worst pain in my entire life for 4 hours, and then laid there bleeding realizing the baby that gave me nausea, cramps, and stupid cravings was gone. And I would never know if it was a boy or a girl, or if it had my eyes or its fathers.

 

Previous to this my boyfriend and I wrote goodbye letters, telling our baby we loved it and why we did what we did. I kept the tests, the ultrasounds, and the letters in an envelope. I still have it.

 

About a month and a half later I stopped being so depressed about it. I laid on my couch doing nothing for weeks. Even though I knew it was the right choice nothing felt right. I wasn't happy. Abortion wasn't ideal for me. But being pregnant wasn't either. And I would have used proper protection if I even thought there was a small chance I could be pregnant. After I healed for the most part, and I say the most part bc a part of me won't ever be the same, I won't forget what happened.

 

And neither will my boyfriend. It bothers him too just like it bothers me. His daughter could have had a sibling. He could have had a son. So many possibilities gone. His ex found out about my abortion, and decided to give me a piece of her mind. She told me that I was selfish, and knew nothing about sacrifice. She told me that I robbed my boyfriends child of life, and how could I be trusted to be a mother when I so easily could kill my own child. She kept going, making me feel lower and lower about what I had done.

 

My boyfriend was furious, but I told him not to say anything to her. I didn't want her to know I was bothered. Bc athough I felt bad enough about my decision, I knew that just bc I had gotten an abortion it didn't make me any less of a stepmother. Or a godmother. It didn't make me selfish, and it didn't mean I knew nothing about sacrifice.

 

Just because you decide not to be a mother doesn't make you any less of a good human being! I work hard. At my Job, with school, and in life in general. I love hard. I love my family, my boyfriend, his daughter, and our new puppy we just bought together. And life will move on. I will be an amazing mother one day when the time is right.

 

I would love people to know my story with my name on it but there are so many judgemental people in this world and my life I won't. But you guys can know, so read up. Know you're not alone. And your decision doesn't make you a bad person. You are strong and can get through anything!”  —Anonymous

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