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Voices in my head telling me I'm not strong enough. Am I the only one hearing all these...

February 25, 2017

“Voices in my head telling me I'm not strong enough. Am I the only one hearing all these. I ask my self why me why not them. But the good people get hurt always so I guess I'm one of them. Am I always gonna feel like I made the worst choice yes, I admit it was a horrible painful choice but at the end of the day I can't go back to change it. If I had a choice I would go for it and make my life different much happier and better. But we can't have flowers without sometimes raining. More like for me always raining.

 

I wonder why was I brought up to this world. For what reason? To worry each day ? To Cry? I wanna know why me but I can't find out. I can ask my self why didn't I say no. But we all know why it's because I was scared, alone. I had no voice. I had. I had no choice.

 

I say those things to myself whenever I'm sad but that's not true. I should of fought for the baby. It was mine but just because I was scared and believed a man that is actually a stupid boy. I made the wrong choice and I suffer for every breath I take.

 

We can say I grow up with an alcoholic father abusive. Yes that made me who I am today. But I'm not proud. I want to change but sometimes that's really hard. Choosing a different step in a path can be horrifying. Everywhere I go I cause problems for my own. I get myself involved in bad situations and here it is a pattern of my life.

 

A smile for me is to have a miracle. A miracle for me is a baby. And i know why you're thinking I'm 18, don't have a stable job, home, and can barely cook. It doesn't matter what age you. When you hold a baby and see the smile on their faces. The feeling you are a parent. That child can be name, change the world. And one mistake and it's gone.

 

Pressure, dizzy, hungry, impatience, bleeding, noises, shaking, lights, legs spread up, wide awake, thinking why should. I saw the whole thing happen blood all over a small tube that's what my nightmare is about. 16 years old crying without a voice to be heard. Eyes watery, crying out loud please help me. The doctor finished the procedure and I was left alone. The being used feeling, the threats, anger but for what now.

 

I can't change what happened. I learned from my mistakes. Everyday waking up, trying to get up with a smile on my face but I can't do it it's too hard. People tell me you are strong. Am I really? If I was strong I wouldn't go and get it but I did. I should of spoken but didn't. I'm not strong nor weak. I'm in the middle.

 

Father in prison for 15 years domestic abuse thinking why him, why is that my father. Why can I have a father that loves me. My father told me I'm useless and I believe him. The choices I made without a voice made me a useless person.”  —Ivana

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