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My husband and I had been married for six years...

January 29, 2017

"My husband and I had been married for six years. I had already adopted his daughter, whose biological mother abandoned her, so I already had a child I hadn't planned on. I had been using birth control pills for many years, and my husband decided to get a vasectomy just to make absolutely sure there were no "accidents".

 

He got the vasectomy, like a good and kind husband, and went back twice for the testing to make sure everything had worked as it should. After two visits it was confirmed... procedure successful, no swimmers present, all clear. I stopped taking the pill, since my doctor said there was no reason to be on unnecessary medications, and I was taking the pill specifically for birth control, not for regulating my period or any of the other medical reasons.

 

I have Tourette's Syndrome, which is genetic. I also have major depressive disorder, which is also genetic. I take medications for both of these things that are not safe to take during pregnancy.

 

I got pregnant less than a week after stopping the pill. I didn't know it for almost two months. I thought the spotting and random, very light episodes of bleeding were from stopping the pill after so long, since I was told this could happen. It was when I started to feel sick to my stomach and unable to eat anything or even want to look at food that I started to realize I might have a very big problem.

 

I took a test, and then another one, and then two more. I sat and looked at them and cried, and then I called my husband and work and told him. My husband took amazing care of me over the next few days while we figured out where we needed to go and how to negotiate it all.

 

There was a place in Pittsburgh, about and hour and a half away. They could get me in that weekend.

 

Spending three more days being pregnant was a nightmare. I couldn't think about anything else. I wasn't thinking about my decision... that was never in question... but just overwhelmed and terrified by the idea that this had happened and in a state of shock. We'd done everything a responsible married couple who were done having kids should do. It didn't work.

 

My husband eventually saw his doctor, who confirmed that the snipped tube had actually managed to GROW BACK, which is possible, although extremely unusual and should certainly not have happened after two confirmed clean tests over a three-month period. But it did happen.

 

Now I'm back on the pill and still paranoid any time my period is even very slightly weird in any way. Finding out I was pregnant when I did not want to be, when I did not want to have a child and could not even imagine how with all my own issues I could deal with a child, was terrifying beyond words.

 

Realizing that the medications I was taking would unquestionably do bad things to this child if I did decide to go through with it, and that without the medications I'd never be able to keep my job or possibly keep myself from being suicidal, just confirmed my confidence in my decision.

 

The hoops to jump through... having to speak to a doctor 24 hours before the procedure to hear a speech about all my other options, having to walk through a crowd of protesters and listen to lectures about being a sinner and killing babies and murder and coming back to God and such... were exhausting, but nothing like what some other women have to deal with.

 

Kind and no-nonsense escorts from the clinic came out to meet us and briskly escorted us past all the nonsense. I didn't feel guilty or ashamed... just angry at these people who wanted to tell me what I should do when there was no way they could know the terror and desperation that I felt.

 

Having the procedure over and finished was possibly the greatest relief of my life. I instantly felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I knew everything was going to be OK. I could keep doing my job, taking care of the daughter I had, and dealing with my own issues with the Tourette's and everything else. I could continue with my life.

 

I have never regretted my decision for a moment. I do occasionally realize how old my could-have-been child would be now, but it's not with a sense of longing... it's with a sense of relief knowing how much I was NOT prepared to be dealing with a baby, a toddler.

 

My life is my own and I am not sorry for my choice. Women have their own reasons for not wanting to be pregnant. It is not your business if you are not the one feeling the sick, horrible panic when you look at the test. You don't have to have an abortion. And I don't have to have a pregnancy I did everything in my power to avoid."  —Rebecca

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