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I had about two months left and was extremely stressed with finals coming up so I figured thats why I hadn't gotten my period yet...

July 25, 2016

“I was 19 years old..Still am. My first semester of college was coming to an end. I had about two months left and was extremely stressed with finals coming up so I figured thats why I hadn't gotten my period yet. I told my boyfriend who I have been dating a little over a year and he said i should take a pregnancy test, but i was too scared and blamed it on stress. But somehow I felt different. I can't explain the feeling but it was there, so finally i agreed to take the test.

 

I wanted to do it alone but he wouldn't leave and felt we should be together if it was positive. I went in the bathroom and after i took the test i sat on the floor waiting for the results and just praying. After about a minute or two (it felt like an hour) I looked down at the test and read in bold letters "Pregnant". My heart immediately dropped but i didn't cry yet. i walked out of the bathroom and put the test in front of my boyfriend on the table and his face went completely pale.

 

I was so mixed with emotions I had no idea what I was going to do. Studying to go to med school, trying to keep my grades up, and my family in another state, I was beside myself and so scared. My boyfriend told me he would support me in whatever decision I made.

 

I immediately had to tell my mom. We never talked about sex before, so for the first time talking about it, i was telling her i was pregnant and it was one of the hardest things I ever said to her. I texted her because i couldnt bring myself to say it outloud over the phone. She texted me back telling me she loved me and not to be afraid and she would help me through this.

 

Over the next week, I went back and forth on each decision. One day I was 100% going to keep it, the next day I thought i would get an abortion. Finally I came to the conclusion that I could not bring a baby into this world. Not only because Im in college but because I myself had nothing to offer this precious little life. My boyfriends family is extremely religious and although he's 21, they would disown him if they found out what happened.

 

My heart was torn into pieces as I always said i would never get an abortion and I would "take responsibility for my actions" but this was me taking responsibility. I had to do what was right for everyone.

 

I made the appointment to originally take the pills but on the morning of, i decided to do it surgically as i didn't think i had it in me to personally swallow the pill and begin the process. My boyfriend took me to the clinic and the people were very nice and calm, there were so many girls and women in there of all ages and it eased my tensions slightly. I sat with my boyfriend trying not to cry and when they called me in he hugged me and promised he would be waiting when i got out.

 

They took my blood and gave me the rhogam shot because of my negative blood type. After that, the woman did an ultra sound and asked if i wanted to see, i reluctantly looked at the screen and saw a very tiny dot, and began to cry the nurse tried to console me and gave me tissues, telling me that i would be okay. She asked if I wanted the picture but i couldn't bring myself to keep that, my memory of what i saw is enough.

 

Eventually i changed into the gown and was walked into the surgical room. They put my legs in the stirrups and inserted the IV, the doctor asked me if i had any questions and i asked how long it would take, he said about 10 minutes and he asked me if i was ready for the anesthesia. i was strangely calm up until i saw them prepare to put me to sleep, i whispered "Im sorry" and quickly fell unconscious.

 

When i woke up i was in a daze still unable to process what just happened. It wasn't until about a week later that it really hit me. I began to go into a deep depression and wondered if I did the right thing. I loved my baby from the moment I knew it was there but I myself had no means to care for it and I just pray that my baby is in a better place.

 

My experience wasn't scary, emotionally yes, it was a roller coaster and still is. I find it hard to look at babies and pregnant women even though its been a few months. I would be five months pregnant right now but I think it was for the best. I find myself wanting to talk about it a lot but not having anyone to speak to.

 

Anyone who goes through this should know they are not alone. I am still enrolled in school, starting my sophomore year in college at the end of August. Im trying to look forward because the past can no longer be changed. I continue to tell myself everyday that it will be okay and I got a tattoo reminding myself that everything will be alright. Keep your head up. I Know I'm trying to.”  —Brie

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