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Im 22 years old attending my 3rd year of college...

June 13, 2016

"Im 22 years old attending my 3rd year of college. I have always been pro choice because I know there are special circumstances out of our control. I was raised and still am a Catholic. I never in a million years thought that I would be one to go through with the dreaded "A" word.

 

I was in an on again off again relationship that was never even official with a guy I met in college. We have not known eachother long and he was not consistent in my life. The night after we had sex, like usual, I knew there was something wrong when I threw up one morning about a week later. Even though I was highly hungover, I NEVER THROW UP. So I tried to avoid the worst thought. I was pregnant. Finally, the inevitable happened, I missed my period and although Im not regular, I knew in my gut I was pregnant.

 

I already suffer with anxiety and depression so when this happened I believed I was screwed for life. I was already afraid I would never find happiness. And now this. I discussed it with my identical twin sister who is my VERY best friend. All I could think was I AM F'ed. My parents are already 53 and struggle a lot financially themselves. So my sister told me to do exactly what I think is right. I knew in my heart I could not support a child much less have it, then give it up. Both those thoughts immediately traumatized me.

 

We were planning a trip to the beach and I found out I was pregnant the night before we were supposed to leave. I went on the trip with my friends and sister and actually found out my best friend had actually gone through the same thing, had the procedure and didnt keep the baby. This made me feel about 80% more confident that I was doing the right thing. I knew emotionally it would hurt like hell, but when I got home from the beach I called the womens clinic.

 

I made an appointment for a consultation. My sister and I went. There were NO screaming protesters and everyone there was extremely kind and helpful. I had nothing but good vibes. Of course I was scared and nervous but I knew it had to be done. After a few hours I went in for my ultrasound. They asked me if I wanted to see it and I said no. Then the doctor told me I was holding 2 sacs. He said it indicated twins. My heart dropped immediately, especially considering Im a twin! BUT there was only one fetus at 5 weeks and the other was empty at 7 weeks. I immediately began crying and left the clinic after they dismissed me.

 

I scheduled my next appointment for Saturday, I had a week and a day to make sure I knew this was what I wanted. My heart was broken but I couldn't have one without the other. I knew that better than anyone else! I talked to my bf about it and we cried a lot but knew we couldn't handle a child. We were mentally and physically not prepared for the responsibilities that came with raising a sweet innocent life.

 

So finally Saturday AKA "the day" came. I was nervous but ready. I prayed to God all night before asking for his love and forgiveness. Finally it was time to go, my sister drove and my bf rode in the back, I was so thankful they were both there for me holding my hand telling me I was doing the right thing and that it would all be okay with time. I went inside and everyone was extremely polite as usual. I signed a couple papers and ironically thought I had signed up for the pills or medical procedure, not the surgery, but by some weird incident they had me down for the surgery, and even stranger, I had decided that weekend that that was actually what I wanted instead after reading about the pill. To me and my sister this was a sign that I should have it done. I then waited for the counseling.

 

After a little while, I was called back and they discussed the procedure, what to expect and how to feel. Then the wait began. Both my supporters (my bf and sister) ensured me it was the right thing to do considering our financial circumstances and the fact only one developed, not to mention I was taking Klonopin for my anxiety before I actually found out AND I'm in college so I was drinking a lot too before I found out. Anyways, they called me back and since I requested an IV they inserted it. I was so NERVOUS still contemplating everything.

 

The nurses and doctors were all super nice. When the doc came in I felt a little nervous, but the sedatives were definitely kicking in. I continued to pray. Finally they began the surgery, the nurse comforted and even let me listen to relaxing music on headphones so I didnt hear much but some of the suction, sorry if that sounds graphic. Then after about 7 minutes, it was over. I felt NO pain, only slight bleeding. They then took me to the recovery room where they made me feel very comforted where they offered me snacks and drinks. They only had me stay about 20 minutes or so.

 

My first feeling was relief. I rode home in the back and since I was still feeling the meds fell asleep and slept for about 7-8 hours with my bf by my side there comforting me. I still had some slight bleeding but nothing major. When I finally woke up and my bf left to go eat and shower I started to feel panicky and scared. Immediately I went to my sister and cried unsure about my decision. She reassured me that it was gonna be okay and I definitely did what was best for me and the baby. So she took me for a car ride and we both just kind of broke down together.

 

This is day 2 after my procedure and I still feel heartbroken and a bit panicky, but better. Im praying to God that everything works out and he will take care of my 2 baby angel twins in his infinite kingdom, and maybe even one day bring them back to me when I am ready. I'm crying as I type this because this was by far the hardest decision I had to make. I do not regret it because I know, as hard as it is to admit, I couldn't give it the life it deserved. Especially without its twin. This is by far the most heart breaking experience I have EVER gone through but neither me or my unofficial bf could handle the responsibility, especially considering it was probably not a very healthy offspring. I love my angels more than anything in this world I think they were just too perfect for Earth. That's why they are in heaven together.

 

All I ask for is love, support and encouragement. Thank you for reading my story. If ever you feel lost remember God forgives you and he will never leave behind one of his own. I pray this gets a bit better as time goes on. God bless all those who have had to make this decision. You are all strong, and STILL loved. Do not let ANYONE tell you otherwise. If any of you have any inspirational quotes, or words of encouragement please feel free to share them with me, as I am still feeling very down and upset about this situation. Im sending nothing but LOVE. Please respect me and my decision I am in a very fragile state. Once again God bless you all. I have full faith that nothing can happen to us, that together with God, we can not handle. This is all just a part of my journey. Stay positive, because nothing is greater than God's love!"  —Anonymous

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