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I could highlight that I don't have a family support system...

January 24, 2016

"I could highlight that I don't have a family support system. I could mention that the father was... many things I knew I didn't want to keep and certainly wouldn't expect to be any kind of father. I could say he threatened to leave me if I kept it, which was a-ok with me. Besides the fact we had agreed before dating that if we became pregnant on accident, we would abort. I always like to clear that up with a man before moving into the bedroom with him.

 

I could tell you all that I have medical problems that would make delivery dangerous. I could highlight that I don't want to become the abusive mother I had, because that's the cycle of abuse.

 

I could tell you that I was working a horrible job that paid well and had benefits, but I didn't want to get stuck in it to provide for a tiny human.

 

I could say that the timing wasn't right, the guy wasn't right, or that I'm not right.

 

But the simple truth is: I've never had the mommy urge.

 

Since I was a child myself, I've known I didn't want kids. Despite decades of being told that would change... I still don't see it. Even thinking of keeping the baby felt like appeasing someone else, society, what have you. 

 

I had an abortion because I don't want kids.  

 

I had an abortion because I could.

 

I had an abortion because for all the families, times, religions and governments that wouldn't allow it:  I live 1/2 hour from a very reputable, safe, clean, professional clinic in a state where abortion is legal. Why in the hell would I put myself through a pregnancy and labor to get something that I don't even want?

 

I applaud mothers everywhere for their sacrifice. When you do something that scares you to get what you want, THAT'S bravery. When you do something because you're afraid PERIOD (of what other people might think, or a regret that comes from others telling you you will, not your own gut) that's not strength.

 

For some the choice is difficult. For me it was a matter of fact medical appointment. It was like going to have my wisdom teeth out. Except I was actually scared when I was 17 and having my teeth out. And the recovery from my teeth was worse. 

 

Honestly, I don't regret it. At all. I went in that day and opted to be put under (because of aforementioned medical problems). It was $50 extra and well worth it. 

 

I came out to the recovery room and the only reason I knew I was done is because they had put my pants back on me. The anesthesiologist was super. The nurses were super.

 

I even had to ask if I was done when I was sitting in the recovery area. I really didn't feel like anything had happened. I remember getting one leg in a stirrup, then being wheeled out to a recliner to sit with a heating pad on my tummy. They had me go potty and check my bleeding. I was barely spotting and had no cramping.  In the car on the ride home I started to turn a little white in face and feel kinda like I wanted to lay down. But we stopped for some Pho soup and I was good. I probably just needed to eat in general as you can't have any breakfast the day of surgery.

 

I took the antibiotics and the full week off of work because I had a really physical job, and they advise not to lift anything over 10lbs for a week.

 

My first period was heavy with heavy cramping. So that sucked a little. But no worse than your random bad period. All in all, it's a blip in my memory. With the anniversary of the abortion, or when the baby would have been born my only thoughts are "I really can't imagine being a mom... I'm so glad I'm away from that guy, and that job... I'm so grateful I had an option in my own backyard and the means to access it."

 

I since have married my best friend and am very happy. Who knows if that would have happened with a newborn. Probably not. Not that there aren't other guys or women with children who meet their guys. But I can't imagine my life if I had carried that pregnancy to term. Well, I can. But I don't like to. It never looks good in my mind. 

 

And actually, I am in a much better place to be a mother now, and I still wouldn't chose to be. It's just not what I want for my life."  —Sarah Cooke

 

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