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I was 19 turning 20 when I had my abortion...

February 23, 2016

"I was 19 turning 20 when I had my abortion, I'm 21 writing this it's been 19 months. I never thought i would fall pregnant i have always had a plan in my head settle down with someone be happy in love and the rest will just come, it's just the way I wanted it.


I went to my doctor and just as I was about to walk out the door I told her my period was late but I was really stressed at the time, I already had my urine in a cup and she did the test at her desk. I didn't think I was pregnant at all, I didn't feel sick or anything. A minute passed and she said I was pregnant, I bawled my eyes out, I just couldn't believe it, i asked her twice if it was true. She asked me what I wanted to do I said I'm not ready I can barely live myself. 


I didn't have a job, I lived of government money, I'm thankful i live in Australia we have a really great health care system here. She gave me a referral and told me the hospital is expecting my call, I couldn't call, I felt bad enough I went home and just sat with my thoughts, I couldn't believe I got myself in this situation. i felt alone and didn't tell my family, I only told 2 friends, one of them had an abortion when she was around my age, we went to church together, so she knew what I was going through. 


I felt sad, as I knew I couldn't take care of my baby and I knew I was going to do something I never thought I'd have to do. Before I found out I was pregnant it was something I thought would never happen to me. I had the worst case of morning sickness every single day from the time my eyes were open to the time I shut them at night, I couldn't stop throwing up. 


After a month they ended up calling me, I saw the gynecologist and I was too far along for the tablets, so i was to be booked in for a d&c the week later on June 19th 2014. The night before I hugged my stomach till I fell asleep. My friend from church took me to the hospital at 6am, as soon as I got there I felt sick, they gave me a robe to change into and I had my own room to wait in so I didn't see anyone. At around 10am I was given tablets to make me dilate, I went through surgery at around 5 past 12 in the afternoon, they let my friend in the surgery room we said a prayer while I went to sleep. 


I woke up in bed to a nurse stabbing me in the ass with the anti d injection as I turned out to be rh positive, I cried, a lot. I just kept thinking the worst things possible like I killed my baby I know it sounds horrible now but that's how I felt at the time, after I few hours of being at home, I had a huge weight off my shoulders. 


I bled for about 2 weeks. I had 3 months of sleeping troubles, i thought about it way to much. I let it consume my thoughts only bc I lived by myself and chose not to talk to my friends about it. Today I dont have a trouble talking about it, I have my occasional odd days when I'm sad but it's normal. 


I do not regret my decision, I know I'm not a bad person, i know I'm not heartless, it doesn't make me bad mother, it doesn't make me any less of a person. if anything I'm a lot wiser I will never have unprotected sex unless I'm planning to have babies with the person I love, I have learnt from my experience, although if I could go back personally I wouldn't change my decision. Although I never met my baby there isn't a day I don't think about it and I love my baby with all of my heart."  —anonymous
 

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