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At age 30, after 12 years of using the birth control pill...

July 21, 2015

"At age 30, after 12 years of using the birth control pill successfully, it suddenly failed on me and I became pregnant with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We hadn't discussed having kids and we're both pro-choice, but we decided to take a couple of weeks to think things through and let the shock wear off to decide whether we were in a good place to raise a child. A few days later, I started to experience horrible pains. I thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy so I went in for an ultrasound, which revealed I was pregnant with twins. 

 

The doctor was immediately concerned about my health with this pregnancy. I'm a very small, underweight person with a history of anemia and bone density problems. She warned me that the pregnancy was already high-risk just because of multiples but because of my circumstances, the risk of complications was particularly high. I was devastated by this news. Soon after that, I started experiencing irregular heart beats, weird pains, and all sorts of issues. More ultrasounds revealed the babies weren't growing very well. I couldn't seem to gain any weight either, no matter what I did (the morning sickness made keeping food down nearly impossible). And I made the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy for the sake of all 3 of us. 

 

I opted for a moderate sedation (with IV). I read a LOT of stories before going. Some which made it sound like I'd nearly sleep through the procedure. Others which acted like it was the most painful thing in the world. Honestly, it was neither. I think the worst part was getting the IV. Once I was in the procedure room, there were 3 different people in the room. The IV didn't make me feel super drowsy in a sense that I was sleepy, but it did make things feel kind of hazy. I remember the entire procedure. The most painful part was the dilation shot they give to the cervix.

 

The cramps were about a 2-3 on a 10-point scale for me. I was in and out of the clinic in about 2.5 hours and about 4 hours later, I'm still cramping. I wouldn't liken it to menstrual cramps. Honestly, it feels like the opposite of all those weird pains you get from your uterus expanding as you're pregnant... which is probably apt because it's your uterus returning to its normal size, deflating kind of.... I thought I'd feel pangs of regret or guilt or sadness, but I feel like I made the right decision. I haven't cried or freaked out and I'm certainly not running from those feelings if they do come either. I just realize that this pregnancy in particular is not the one I'm meant to carry."  —Anonymous

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