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I am 39 years old. I am a mother of 2...

March 3, 2014

"I am 39 years old. I am a mother of 2 and have been a mom half of my life. When I had my first child I was 16 and was talked into keeping my first born by my family. When you are that young its hard to really have a say in anything, I never got to go to a school dance nor did I graduate from high school. I finally got my GED when I was 20. I never once regretted having my son though. However, I know that I wasn't the best mother I could have been for him. Does anyone at 16 really know how to be?
 
Eleven years later I had my second child. She was a planned baby, and my relationship only lasted 4 years with the father because he became abusive, and I did the best thing I could for my kids and I and left him. It is really hard to raise children on your own. My daughter is now 11 years old and I have always been very responsible with birth control since my son was born.
 
Five years ago I met a great, kind, and loving man who would do anything for me and my children, he is my best friend and a great father figure. He also has 3 kids of his own from a previous marriage. We decided together earlier in our relationship that we both did not want to have anymore children with 5 already between the both of us, and we were very careful and responsible in making sure that did not happen.
 
Unfortunately you can’t control everything and my birth control failed. I never thought in my life that I would ever be the person who had to hold the burden of an abortion. I never thought that I would have to be someone to end a life, and how hard it would be for me to do so. I am six months away from graduating with my bachelor’s degree. I have fought for so long to get to this point in my life, that my kids were finally old enough for me to be able to do this to better myself for our lives together, and to have another child now would put a hold on what I have been trying to achieve for so long.
 
I did not want to have to have an abortion and I have cried every day since I found out I was pregnant and the choice I would have to make. It is a very hard decision for anyone, but I know it is the best choice to make right now, not just for me but for my whole family. To have another child right now, living with my parents, my boyfriend who just got a new job but had been laid off for months, and me being so close to graduation and about to start a new chapter in my life. I am about to have a bachelor’s degree, to have a career, to be independent from my parents or from anyone for the first time in my life. To have a child right now, for not just me, but for everyone around me, would just throw a wrench in the goals I have been working on for so long and would create a weight on everyone’s shoulders in my life, and that is something that is unfair to put on anyone when you know you can’t do it yourself.
 
My boyfriend was very supportive, and he knew that although we both agreed we didn't want any more kids, that if I decided to follow through with the pregnancy he would support me with that as well.
 
Today is Monday, and I had my abortion 3 days ago on Friday. I don't regret what I did considering my situation, I do wish my situation was different, but there is more than just myself to think about. I have already raised two kids through poverty, not being able to do what the other kids get to because we are poor. My dad has had to help me all my life and still is at 39 years old because he knows without my degree I would not be able to raise 2 kids on my own. I would never burden him with another. I hope in 6 months when I graduate I will be able to change our futures for the better, and I just could not put another child or my family through what we have already been though again.
 
Do I feel bad for what I did, yes, it hurts my heart beyond words, but I know it was the best thing to do even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It might take me a while to feel "normal" again and I know I will never get over it. But I hope it gets better though telling my story and counseling, and I hope it gets better for those of you that have to make this same choice."  —anonymous

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