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Back story: I’m 26. I’m in a steady relationship...

March 25, 2013

"Back story: I’m 26. I’m in a steady relationship. I have three little girls, ages 3, 2, and 6 months, all from the same father who i'm in a steady relationship with. We decided not to have any more and scheduled him for a vasectomy. Four days before his vasectomy I found out I was pregnant and told him immediately. Both of our gut reactions was that we did not want another child. Which was very unlike our first three. Our first three kids were very close together and even though its difficult to manage them, abortion was not an option in our minds at any point for child 1, 2, or 3. This time it was different.

Doc visit one: I went to my regular obgyn three days after finding out I was pregnant. I went alone cuz hubby was unable to come with me. I started crying almost immediately as I entered the room. The doctor gave me an ultrasound and told me I was about 5 weeks pregnant. She asked me if we had decided and I said no (even though we had decided to abort). She explained the aspiration procedure which was not what I wanted, I wanted the pill. I expected to be able to get the pill and take it right away. That was not the case. She said the only place that administers the pill in our area is planned parenthood and she highly discouraged it because it left a lot of women with incomplete abortions and also heavy bleeding and cramping that ended them up in the ER. I trust my doctor, but an aspiration abortion was not what I had planned for. So she gave me a week to think about it then come back. Some of the nurses at the office tried to leave hints "what if this is your boy?" or gave me mean looks. Others were very supportive. I left feeling terrible.

Week of deciding: the week of deciding sucked. I woke up feeling different every day. One day I actually bought prenatals cuz I thought I was gonna go thru with keeping the baby. My husband was supportive either way. It was very stressful. I wish I hadn't taken a week to figure it out cuz all I did was flip-flop and put off the decision. I couldnt decide. Some days I wanted it some days I didn’t. Towards the end of the week I realized I didn't want either option. I didn't want a fourth child and I didn't want an abortion. I was upset I couldn’t just take a magic pill and make it all go away. I was scared of the abortion procedure. But I really do not want a fourth child. Three kids, and being pregnant while juggling infants, is extremely difficult. I felt selfish for not wanting another child. But I finally feel like I have my life together and some independence and I can handle three kids financially. All of that would be up in the air with four. That made me feel guilty. Those are all feelings I had to accept and deal with. I realized that being scared of having an abortion was not worth not dealing with if I really honestly didn’t not want a fourth child.

Doc visit two: I went back to the doctor, this time with hubby, to let her know my decision. This time the experience was completely different. I felt stronger having my husband by my side. She did another ultrasound to measure the size and we did not look at the ultrasound. She explained the procedure again. She told me the cost $550 to have it done at their office and she would give me two valium and two pain killers. She told me the cost of having it done at a medical facility so I could have anesthesia if I wanted ($550 doc, $700 med facility, $300 anesthesiologist). My insurance didn't cover it. I decided to go with the office/pain killer procedure. She scheduled it for as soon as she could (unfortunately I had to wait over a weekend) a total of 4 days waiting.

Four days waiting: I was worried I would change my mind. But I didn’t. I felt relief that a decision had been made. Sometimes I still wondered and felt stressed about it a little, but for the most part I just felt relief.

Abortion day: I took my medicine one hour before my visit and didn’t feel any different at all. My hubby drove me to the doctors office. All the nurses were super nice and one of them turned relaxing music on her phone throughout the whole procedure. My husband waited outside the room. The doctor gave me a shot of local anesthetic and started the procedure. The vacuum thing was loud but it didn't bother me. I just kept my eyes closed and felt minimal discomfort. The whole thing was over in about 20 minutes. I got up to pee afterwards and it didn't hurt at all. She said i'll have some light bleeding for a week or two and then get my regular period in one month. She sent me home with an antibiotic, pain killers, and something else, I can't remember. I walked out of there feeling just fine. Maybe a little sleepy cuz of the valium I think. We actually went to the store afterwards and I walked around and felt just fine. Then I came home and napped for about four hours. Now i'm awake, I haven't taken any pain meds (yes, today was abortion day) and I feel good.

Verdict: I did what was right for me and what I think was better for my family. I came to peace with my decision and I don't think it will haunt me at all. The procedure was quicker, easier, and more pain free than I expected. The word abortion is scary and frowned upon and hard to say, and so many negative emotions are attached to it. They say one in three women have had an abortion by age 45. Two of the nurses at my doctors office told me they had them. You’d never know. It’s something we suffer in silence. I kind of feel empowered that I was able to make this choice and live through it and live with it. I am happy that my children’s attention will not be divided yet again by having another child. I am happy (this may sound selfish but its true) that I don't have to worry about buying a bigger car since basically only minivans can carry 6 people, or move (we have a two bedroom house) or be pregnant again while dealing with three toddlers who need lots of hugs and attention, or have to give birth, or have sore boobs and breasts to pump, or put my husband and myself through another pregnancy where i'm highly irritable and tired and feel like crap all the time. So i'm happy with my decision. I’m good with it and I was SO on the fence, and SO worried and SO scared to have an abortion. But I did it and it was right. So I hope that my story may help someone in the same position. Good luck."  —Anonymous

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