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The first time I got pregnant I was 24...

October 17, 2012

"The first time I got pregnant I was 24. I planned an Open Adoption. An adoption counselor showed me profiles of infertile couples that wanted to  adopt a newborn baby. I picked the profile of the infertile couple I wanted to  meet. The adoption counselor made an appointment for me to interview them at  Sizzlers. I interviewed them and I really liked them. After that they went to  all of my ultra sound appointments. I ended up having to go on Prozac because I  was Bipolar and the pregnancy hormones were making me feel suicidal. I managed  to stabilize on 80mg of Prozac. Anyways, I had a c-section and I signed the  adoption papers. After I spent three days in the hospital with the baby, the  adoptive parents took him home. After that I started receiving three visits per  year. Some people told me what a good person I was not having an abortion.

Then after the pregnancy was over my doctor gave me an Implanon for birth  control. But the Implanon made me feel suicidal because of the hormones in the Implanon. So I had to have it removed. Once the Implanon was removed my  emotions became normal again. After that I was afraid to try another form of  birth control because I was afraid that all methods of birth control would have  hormones that would make me feel suicidal. The bad news is, I got pregnant  again just 6 months later. At first, I planned on raising the baby myself. But  when I told my adoption counselor she said, "But Melissa, nothing in your life has changed." She tried convincing me that I needed to plan another  adoption. I decided to go along with it. She gave me more profiles of infertile  couples that wanted to adopt. I was looking forward to making another infertile  couple happy.

But once again the pregnancy hormones were making me feel  suicidal. I attempted suicide by swallowing a whole bunch of pills. It didn't  work. I woke up and told my adoption counselor what I did. She drove me to the  E.R. The E.R. did nothing for me, even though I couldn't quit throwing up. They  sent me off to a group home for adults with mental illness. But once at the  adult group home, I still couldn't quit throwing up. It was the combination of  the pregnancy and the pills I swallowed. I blacked out in the bathroom. My mind  just shut down and everything went dark. I told the staff that I blacked out  and they called me an ambulance. I told the paramedics that I was blacking out  from dehydration and needed fluids. The group home staff told the paramedics,  "She was trying to hurt the baby." One of the paramedics said,  "Well, that's selfish." And on the way to the E.R. he told me,  "I'm not going to give you any medicine for vomiting because you just want  it so it can hurt your baby." Then once we were inside the E.R., the  paramedic stood there yelling at me: "Some people want their babies, some  people can't have babies." And he just wanted to let me know what a selfish  person he thought I was and he wanted everybody in the E.R. to hear him. He  didn't understand that I'm Bipolar and that I've been trying to commit suicide  my whole life. And that the pregnancy hormones were making my Bipolar disorder  worse. And that I was trying to kill myself, not the baby. But the jerk  couldn't understand this. And he didn't know my pregnancy history. He didn't  know that I gave a baby up for adoption just 6 months earlier. So strange that  he would judge me based on an isolated incident, knowing nothing about my past  pregnancy. The E.R. only gave me ONE package of fluids and let me go.    

The next  day I was still vomiting because of the pills I swallowed. So I asked to be  taken to the Urgent Care. The Urgent Care gave me one package of fluids and let  me go. Then the next day I left the group home and went back to my apartment.  It had now been 5 days of me throwing up because of the pills I swallowed. I  knew that if I wasn't pregnant anymore it would help the nausea and I would be  more likely to survive the suicide attempt. Because at the rate things were  going, I felt like I was going to dehydrate to death. My friends brought me  Pedialyte. I even threw that up. I talked to a friend who lived in Eugene. In  Eugene, they have abortion clinics. Because they don't have abortion clinics in  Albany, I had to pay $75 for a taxi to drive me to Eugene to stay the night  with my friend. Then in the morning I called the abortion clinic. I begged them  to let me have an abortion even though they're full. I explained that I don't  drive and that I'm from a town that doesn't have an abortion clinic. The  secretary got permission from the doctor to squeeze me in. I went to the clinic  and had the abortion done. I noticed how nice the nurses were. After the  abortion my friend's sister drove back to Albany. I unplugged my phone so I  could get some sleep. But my friend assumed that I committed suicide. So she  called cops on me and told them, "My friend's not answering her phone, she  just had an abortion. I'm afraid that she might of committed suicide."

The  cops came to my door and I told them, "No, I just unplugged the phone so I  could sleep and not be disturbed." The cops drove me to the E.R. This time  the E.R. gave me 2 packages of fluids. I found it so strange that when I was  pregnant they only gave me ONE. Now that I wasn't pregnant anymore they gave me  2. I got home from the E.R. and days later, I still was throwing up from the  pills I swallowed a week ago. So I called another friend and she took me to her  house to stay the night. She gave me Gaterade to try to get electrolytes in my  body. I finally got well enough to leave my friends house. I told my adoption  counselor that I had a mis-carriage. She believed me. I wrote my sons adoptive  parents and told them that I really had an abortion to save my life. When I didn't hear back from them I had nightmares. So I called them and asked them if they got my letter. The adoptive mom said, "If your life was really endangered, you wouldn't  of had to sneak off somewhere." And she said, "Don't call here again,  we don't want to feel like we're raising Levi for you."

I have been criticized by church members. Some Christians tell me that what I did  was still wrong, even if it was to save my life. I hate it when I visit a church where they talk about abortion from the pulpit.  I have been to two churches where the pastors were saying that stopping  abortion is more important than saving endangered species. And that they  basically don't care about saving the whales because there's babies being  aborted. I asked my public library to buy a book called, 'My Choice, God's  Grace", by Anne Eggebroten. The book is about Christian women who have had  abortions and are pro-choice. The library bought the book and I got to read it.  It was helpful. I recommend this book for any Christian women whose being  stigmatized for having an abortion. My doctor gave me an IUD. The good news is,  the IUD does NOT make me feel unstable like the Implanon did. So the good news  is, I found a method of birth control that does not have hormones that me  suicidal."  —Melissa

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