I've had two abortions...

"I've had two abortions and now I am 34, diagnosed with Tokophobia and trying to decide if I need to have my eggs frozen. My first abortion was in 2010 and as it was illegal in Ireland at the time, me and my then partner travelled to Britain. I panicked and I knew I was only 23 and while our relationship was long-term I didn't feel as though I could go through with it. So we went to England and stayed 2 nights in a hotel. I was 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant, had the medical abortion and it was horrendous pain, in a hotel room far away from home. Only my boyfriend and an aunt knew. I recovered quickly afterwards and swore that was my one mistake and I'd never go through it again.

Roll on 9 years, I'm in a different relationship with someone for just 6 months. I fall pregnant again and panic. By this time, Ireland has legalized abortions and there are a few approved clinics. I didn't even think it through. I just booked my appointment with GP and this time he sent me away for a 3 day cooling off period to think about it. I didn't think about it. I felt trapped, I felt terrified and my partner didn't seem interested in keeping it. So I went back and took the tablets and then the next day inserted the pessary. We spent the May bank holiday weekend in the house, me crying in agony of contractions and bleeding to pass this embryo, him a nervous, awkward bystander. I couldn't bring myself to flush it down the toilet so I made him do it. He too had had a previous abortion with a girl a few years ago but the most involvement he had was dropping her to a clinic. This time the realisation of it hit him.

We are still together almost 3 years later. I had untold complications afterwards, I haemorraged so much 2 months later that an ambulance had to be called while working at a show in the UK. I had to get iron infusions from the blood loss I'd experienced in the months following the abortion. My partner wouldn't have sex with me anymore because all the trauma got to him. He was supportive when I was in a bad way in the months afterwards but he started to doubt if it had been the right thing to do. He turned to excessive drinking and has since started AA meetings, undergone counselling and tried to get over seeing the embryo and regretting the whole thing.

Now I am 34, I've been diagnosed with Tokophobia, an extreme phobia of pregnancy. It frightens me so much. I think that's why I just rushed blindly into two abortions without giving them proper consideration. I am beginning to hear my biological clock getting louder. All my friends and family are having families of their own. We are left behind. We want kids but we also do not want them. I am terrified, yet also terrified of not having kids. I am an only child, if I don't have kids, I will soon have no family to call my own in years to come and that is scary. I have since looked into getting my eggs frozen before I turn 35. I've been told my AMH hormone results are low and that my fertility is not as good as it should be. I want to freeze my eggs to put pregnancy off for at least another year. I'm also told the chance of successful conception with a frozen egg is low and to be realistic, it gives you a better chance than not having them frozen but it is by no means a gaurantee. I don't regret the abortions but I do feel as though I am conflicted. I feel like if I can't have kids in the future those abortions will haunt me. In the aftermath, the effect it had on my partner, my body and my relationship was really not worth it. I'm sure I'd have been a good mother and maybe it would have been the making of me. Impulse and fear made me do it twice." - Lauren

#international #medicationabortion #confusion

Recent Posts

See All

content warning: rape, sexual abuse, suicide attempts, self harm "I am a Texan. I am a daughter, aunt, niece, wife and most importantly mother. I am a Texan mom. I am a Caucasian white female who was