I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years...

"I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, just over. We'd been living together for approximately 2 months when I found out I was pregnant. However, we were in talks of splitting up when I found out and he'd gone away to stay with family. When I found out, I felt nothing but sad emotions. I was shocked it was actually happening to me. I didn't even believe I could conceive. I was sad it had happened in this situation and I was scared, so unbelievably scared. I rang my mum to tell her and cried in a panicked state down the phone. She told me she would support me regardless of my choice and told me I had to tell my partner. I got off the phone with her and immediately rang him. He was understanding, explained his concern for me more than anything but still didn't tell me he was coming home. I spent that night on my own. Scared of the unknown, alone and unsupported.

I decided this wasn't the life I wanted for my baby. I lived in a house that was definitely unsuitable to raise a child in, my partner and I weren't in a good place and he had just been signed off work with stress and depression. Was this the best thing to add to it? I made my choice. I knew it was the best thing to do and I accepted that. It didn't hurt me any less though... I became obsessive in looking after my baby whilst he or she was in me. I ate right, I didn't drink, and I didn't allow my partner to smoke near me. The baby brought us closer and we ended up working things out because in all honesty, I needed him and I didn't want to do this alone, no matter how much he hurt me during the process.

I booked my appointment for my birthday week off and was given an appointment 2 days before my birthday. I went to the clinic, I was seen by a midwife who did my scan and confirmed my pregnancy. She also asked me if I wanted to see the scan to which I declined as I knew if it became that real, I wouldn't have been able to go ahead with it. I went into another room to see another midwife who explained the procedure to me and she did some tests, then she handed me the pills. My boyfriend became faint and ended up throwing up because it all got a bit too much for him and then I went to the toilet and placed the pills inside of me (internal and external). To this point, there were no tears. I drove us home and that's when the cramps started. I was in agony and I was losing my baby. I sobbed and he hugged me.

I don't really know what I'm aiming to achieve by telling my story. I don't think I'm either pro abortion nor against but one thing I will say is it never ever gets easier and I think people going through the process of deciding what is best for them need to consider how much it may effect their whole life. You may know it's the right decision for you just like I did at the time but I have regretted it deeply ever since. I always think what he or she would have looked like, whether they would have been a boy or a girl, if I would have made an amazing mum and how I could do that to my own baby. I know now I did what was best for me at the time but I mean it when I say it has gotten harder as each day passes and my guilt and hatred for myself gets stronger every day. I am mourning severely, I know I need help and I know I am a more severe case but I just want to advise anyone going through the same to be absolutely certain that you cannot think of any other way you could do it. Make damn sure you consider the counselling they offer you afterwards even if you think you won't need it because that is one huge mistake that I made. My thoughts are with you all because it is by no means a decision that can be made lightly in the really short time that you have to decide." - Rebecca

#regret #notready #loss #sadness

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