I had been with my boyfriend for 3 months...

"I had been with my boyfriend for 3 months when I got pregnant. I knew immediately it would be a bad decision to continue the pregnancy. Not only was I a mess, but the minimum wage I would be earning barely allowed me to live off of paycheck to paycheck. Even remaining pregnant would mean I could very well end up homeless or in a women's shelter if my boyfriend rejected me, my finances were that bad.

Within the very first days I knew and the week before my abortion I had the awful side effect of constant fatigue. At work I could barely stand for 15 minutes at a time. Living in a foreign country, I had no one other than my boyfriend. I felt like my parents would reject me so I didn't even tell them, which I feel made it harder to go through. I had always known if I got pregnant at a bad time I would be open to abortion. I thought it was very easy to get over, and I never wanted children before I got pregnant, so I assumed it would be easy for me.

However, the whole process was very traumatic. In the clinic they told me I could see my boyfriend in a few minutes but once they took me inside he wasn't allowed in. I didn't have my phone or any means of contacting anyone. I was only 5 weeks 3 days and didn't research well enough beforehand what would happen. I had a surgical abortion, I wish I had just been able to take pills as I think it would have been easier. Also, in the clinic it started to feel wrong but I just told myself I could get through it, I was already there but I wish I'd taken more time to think and ask others for support instead of assuming they wouldn't. I was so surprised at how much the IV hurt and the cramps I experienced from cervix dilation pills were awful. When I went into the room, it was so cold. I woke up afterwards wondering when they were going to take him out. I'm glad they allowed me to be out during the process. But as soon as I woke up I was crushed. Another patient and I ate digestive biscuits and drank orange squash after. Then I went outside and found my boyfriend and he drove us home, acting like everything was okay.

10 months later, I'm having therapy but I still feel incredibly sad. I feel like I stopped in time but the world has kept moving on without me, isolating me from almost everyone. When I see children whilst I'm working I sometimes cry. If I see a baby then my body has a kind of panic reaction. I know now that if I had continued the pregnancy, it would probably have turned out okay. But I didn't know that at the time, and so it's hard to forgive myself for not wanting to take a risk with my child's health and wellbeing. I never wanted children before and didn't care for them but now I'm desperate to start a family and now I feel like my life is moving too slowly. I want to be able to afford a child right now without financially depending on other people, but the world won't allow me that. I can't be open with anyone because I'm scared of rejection. My therapist is teaching me to accept what I have chosen to do, as well as to care less about what others think.

I hope one day I can think of children without crying. I hope one day I can tell my family and close friends about something that has changed me so profoundly. I hope I can forgive myself enough to stop forcing myself to relive this experience and move on." - Anonymous

#sadness #financialinstability #international

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