I had an abortion at 24 years old...

content warning: abusive relationship

"I had an abortion at 24 years old. I had just graduated college and just moved into my own apartment leased in my name that I shared with a roommate. I started dating a guy that I always knew of through my friend and it became a tumultuous affair. We had a lot of issues in the beginning because of his past history and I was hesitant to date him because of that especially since he was just recently out of jail. He kept convincing me that he just needed a chance to be better and it seemed like he genuinely wanted to change his life for the better. He was very persistent in trying to convince me that he was worth dating and I caved because I wanted to see the good in him. It was easy and comfortable and I kept telling myself that I could get out at anytime if I saw that this wasn’t for me.

Then in July after only two months of dating and he practically becoming my live-in boyfriend, I found out that I was pregnant. He seemed to know before me and I was sure that I wasn’t. I took a test and it was positive. I couldn’t believe it so I took about five more all positive. He was excited and he was being supportive as far as saying we could do this. I wanted to keep it, I never anticipated in my life that I would be in that position. I started to get physically sick from the pregnancy and from the anxiety of how I would be able to support my family. I wasn’t working in my field and he didn’t have a stable job or a license. It was hard for him to find a job because of his background and I had to drive him everywhere. In addition to that my roommate and I no longer were getting along. We just coexisted in the apartment and I was worried that she would try to leave before the lease was up which would ruin my credit and I wouldn’t be able to afford the rest on my own and had no help from him.

His mental issues didn’t become so apparent until he realized I wanted to leave. He was going to the hospital a lot and even though he knew I was pregnant, he told me he was diagnosed with cancer so that I wouldn’t leave him. I was so stressed out and knew that something just wasn’t adding up with his stories, that I had to leave him and I could not continue with the pregnancy. I called planned parenthood and initially planned for a medical abortion. When I went to pp they did an ultrasound & determined I was 10 weeks and 1 day so I could no longer have the medical procedure & that I would have to wait a few days. I was upset because I had already taken the time off from work so I had asked if there was a way I could do it in another location. The lady could see the desperation in my face & searched her system. I had to go to another location the next day to have the surgical procedure done.

The next day I was nervous. My friend came with me to help drive me back. I filed the paperwork, I gave the $490 dollars to which only $100 of that he gave me, & I waited in the waiting room. I was called in by a nurse and she pricked my finger to test my blood type to see if I was rh positive or negative, that would determine whether I’d have to take a Medication called rhogam. I didn’t have to and they checked my blood levels to make sure it wasn’t too low for my risk of bleeding out. Then she brought me to a room with recliner chairs where a few other young girls were, took my vital signs and gave me a Valium and told me they don’t put us to sleep anymore. A girl had gone before me and she was only there for no more than 15 minutes. Finally it was my turn, I was taken to the room and was given a gown and told to remove my underwear and lay down on a table with my legs in the stirrups. They injected something into my cervix where I felt a very strong pinch, then she proceeded to insert something else followed by the suction where a young male was helping and guiding the ultrasound to help her better visualize the uterus. I was embarrassed because the young male that was assisting was close to my age and he had to be there to see all into my bits. I had lay there in discomfort and sadness.

I felt the Valium kick in because I felt a little woozy, it didn’t decrease my anxiety because by the end of the procedure they stepped out and allowed me to get dressed and I was in full blown tears. The overall procedure wasn’t painful just uncomfortable, I had to deal with my own issues. Afterwards, they sent me back to that room in the recliner and the nurse brought me to the bathroom to check how much blood was on the pad and then had me sit down to take vitals. I seemed to be the only one in tears. I tried to calm myself down so my blood pressure could go down and I could leave. I walked out and went back home. I was both upset and relieved. Relieved that the worst was finally over and trying to prepare myself for the mental aspect of it. I felt the nausea and sickness I was feeling throughout the pregnancy subside. My two friends who knew about it kept checking on me and I was grateful. The worst pain was the next day because of the abdominal discomfort. I had a build up of gas or something followed by the cramps and I was in pain, it was better the next day. The bleeding that followed was just dark clots that continued like that for about a week. I had about 4 or 5 days off from work thankfully to get myself together. I wore a thick pad to work and just had the clots that came out.

I felt guilty, I cried, I felt regret for the first week because of the loss but then it got better. It does get better. I had to make the right choice for me and the unborn. My ex bf was lying about the cancer and making up a whole slew of stories, made a fake chart, and printed fake labs, he was not well in his head and it would have gotten worse if I stayed with him and had a baby with him. I would have been miserable. A few months later I had gotten a job in my field and started making more money. I was still healing mentally from the whole situation. I threatened him with a restraining order and changed my phone number as he had gotten obsessive and finally he left me alone. I will not lie and say that I don’t think about it from time to time, but I had to do what was best for me at the time and had to look at the bigger picture. I had read many stories and am truly thankful to those ladies who shared and helped me so I wanted to do the same and ensure that it does get better. I am also very grateful that we have safe places like planned parenthood to be able to do this safely with respect and dignity." - Anonymous

#abusiverelationship #sadness #gratitude

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