I am a Texan...

content warning: rape, sexual abuse, suicide attempts, self harm

"I am a Texan. I am a daughter, aunt, niece, wife and most importantly mother. I am a Texan mom. I am a Caucasian white female who was raised in an upper-middle class family where women attended cotillion, played tennis and college was for finding a good husband. I am a Texan mom. I have been raped, abused, molested, neglected & broken. I am a Texan mom. I suffer from severe PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety and have previously tried on multiple occasions to kill myself (before realizing my purpose). I am a Texan mom. I have an 8 yr void (age 5-13) in my memory from all the trauma I endured during my younger childhood. I am a Texan mom. I say 8 yrs (even though it’s more like 11) because I vividly remember at 13 being ROBBED OF MY INNOCENCE but still to this day no other memories (besides flashbacks) for those 11 yrs…which begs the question how bad must it have been those 11 yrs in which my only memory I have is rape and the rest was blocked out. I am a Texan mom. I was too young, too scared and too ashamed to turn to family or the police because I believed & I thought they would think it was my fault or not believe me but also because of how I was raised. I honestly thought it happened all the time and women were supposed to just take it and keep their mouths shut. I am a Texan mom.

Shortly thereafter I started cutting myself multiple times a day to punish myself because to me, it was my fault because 'only weak people are forced against their will to do something they don’t want & didn’t ask for'….just like some women are forced to do things only now it could be twice in a row. I am a Texan mom. I still have many, many scars all over my body (yet strategically hidden) to this day in which I have only ever been asked once (while wearing a swimsuit and was from a child no less) to which my reply was I ran into a barbed wire fence. I am a Texan mom.

At 23, I had an abortion when I became pregnant after a night out that ended at a friend of a friend's apartment. I was unable to drive so I slept there much less to give consent, if there was SB8 I might’ve driven drunk out of fear cause I would’ve at the time rather gone to jail than be forced to do something else against my will and all due to a broken condom and a man’s choices , not mine.…not because the (would be) father threw $200 at me and said “get rid of it” but for 2 different reasons entirely: they didn’t think I could survive postpartum depression but even more because I couldn’t handle disgracing or embarrassed my family. I am a Texan mom. I would have killed myself had I not had the support (in the form of abortion services) I did. I am a Texan mom.

To this day I have been able to overcome some of my childhood trauma and have become a proud momma (my purpose). I have previously helped friends when they had similar situations arise since I know both sides. I would let them know all the facts and would only give my opinion on my experiences when specifically asked about a specific thing. I put it all on the table and they made up their own mind. I am a Texan mom. I would not have had a husband, a child or a family in my future had I been born 15 years later (when SB8 passed). I am a Texan mom. I am severely saddened and ashamed to be a Texan by the stories illustrating doctors that have to wait & their patients that induce, provoke or wait for a medical emergency or worse. Women who have already paid for someone else’s mistakes & would rather pay the ultimate price than be a mother to their rapists baby or spend the rest of their life wondering “is it him/her?” and y’all are making her pay for again?

From someone who can’t remember and has been on both sides of the street one thing is for sure…9 months is a long time. 9 months where you may have to take off work to be on bed rest or have complications and stay after longer or on rare occasions lose your life…but hey we’ll just strap you down and take ‘em. Where is the equality there? Maybe equal to an incubator. I am an ashamed Texan mom. I now fear for my daughters future. I am an ashamed Texan mom. I will NOT BE a PROUD American if Roe vs. Wade gets overturned, I will be an ASHAMED TEXAN AND AMERICAN. I am a mom who is ashamed to be a Texan & American. Knowing what I know now and the attachment, emotions and love you already feel even before giving birth, I know I I could not have survived putting a child up for adoption, and thus I would sacrifice everything one way or another because my death was at least going to be on my terms since my motherhood wasn’t going to be. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. As harsh as it sounds but also true…one option at the time gave me the peace of closure…one option I would never have any closure, I’d be 6 ft under and the state of Texas and all the associated government would be partially responsible for putting me there. I am a mom who is ashamed to be a Texan & American…I am a survivor. Would you have taken that option away from me then? Or would you have made me be a mom at 13 if I had been pregnant or since I was already out of the womb, yet a child, I didn’t matter?" - Anonymous

#sadness #shame

Recent Posts

See All

"I've had two abortions and now I am 34, diagnosed with Tokophobia and trying to decide if I need to have my eggs frozen. My first abortion was in 2010 and as it was illegal in Ireland at the time, me