content warning: suicide attempt, relationship abuse, sexual violence, verbal abuse
"I am 19 years old and I had 4 abortions in my teenage years. My family despises me because of this. They don't tell me but I know it. Now I feel ashamed and guilty and lonely, and I even tried once to take my own life. If they would try to understand me, if they would show me support, maybe I would feel different now. I wish I could feel different.
The first one was when I was 13 years old. I had unprotected sex with a classmate in a toilet, this was so stupid, but I didn't know anything about all this, nobody taught me anything. I didn't even know how I could get pregnant. I was so scared. I didn't tell this to my parents because I thought they would be very angry, but they did when they remarked my growing belly. They made me abort at 17 weeks. Everybody in my school knew about this, and called me awful words like 'slut'. My boyfriend was as responsible as me, but nobody told him anything, and he dumped me. All this was unbearable, so I had to change school.
When I got to high school, I met my second boyfriend. He seemed nice at first, but moving on in the relationship, I started to see his true face. He was abusive and violent, and coerced me into having sex with him. He didn't let me use condoms or birth controls, he wanted to totally own me. He impregnated me twice, and twice I told my parents but they didn't care about me or with whom I had a relationship. At this point I knew they hated me and considered me only like a whore. I aborted them early in pregnancy and I had to find myself the courage to quit my boyfriend.
My last abortion was worse. It was only a few months back. I was raped by a random man at a night party, who isolated me and forced himself upon me. I was destroyed, and later on when I found out I was pregnant - I felt even worse. It made me feel disgusting, like I was bearing my rapist's seed, like if he was still inside me. This pregnancy felt like another rape, so I had to abort at 6 weeks. For some reasons, I don't really know anymore, maybe I had hope they would feel empathy for me, I confessed to my parents of the rape and the pregnancy, but they didn't believe me. They insulted me, saying I was just a whore and slut and some peace of shit. A little while later I tried to kill myself by eating a lot of pills, but it didn't work.
Now I am so depressed, I feel so lonely... " - Amélie