It was the summer of 2016...

“It was the summer of 2016. I was 26 and seeing a man who was 33 for about 9 months, we never had a discussion on how serious our relationship was, and even though I felt I was in love with him, I was always too scared to ask what we were and where our relationship was going. After 9 months, I thought we were careful, considering I took the measures of using the pill, but I had gone away with my friend for the July 4th weekend and knew I didn’t feel right. My breasts were swollen, and I felt out of it all weekend. I got home and immediately took 2 pregnancy tests believing I had nothing to worry about and they would be negative—I was wrong.

I told the man I was seeing immediately, and he left work and rushed over to my apartment. I told him I wanted an abortion and I ultimately said that because I knew that’s what he wanted, and because of the unknown status of how serious our relationship was. I made an appointment at a clinic for 2 days later and in those two days my emotions ran high. I asked myself all the questions that I believe most women do in this unfortunate situation am—I making the right decision? Will I get pregnant someday again when I’m ready to have a child? Will I regret my decision? I went back and forth so much with my decision making because I was just so unbelievably sad and also ashamed.

Even though the man I was seeing was supportive he sometimes unknowingly made me feel worse because I felt like he was so afraid I would change my mind and have our baby and that made me feel all sorts of guilt—feeling that I would ruin this man’s life because ultimately he didn’t want to have this child and that I would be forcing him to be a father. That also put our relationship a little more in perspective for me especially when he asked the question, I’m sure no women will ever want to hear, ‘are you sure it’s mine?’

I was in love with this man and although I had been too chicken to demand answers on our relationship, I was only sleeping with him. It hurt so deeply to hear that. But it also made me realize that after this I would have to have a discussion with him about the fate of our relationship. Because of this situation we were in, I could no longer stay with him if we weren’t going to move forward in a serious, full committed relationship. I would have to leave no matter how much I loved him.

I did end up having an abortion, and he was there for me. I will always appreciate him for that and the way he took care of me through it. However, weeks later I did have a discussion with him and ultimately, he decided he didn’t feel as strongly for me, so we stopped seeing each other. For the next few months I was hurt, angry and just broken through what I just went through with this person and giving him 9 months of my life. Although I felt and still feel I made the best decision for myself, having that abortion, a few months after I found out my mom had stage four cancer—and to think I would be giving birth or have a newborn around the time that was happening I don’t know if I could emotionally handle that.

There are so many reasons that I feel I made the best decision. I ended up going back to school, I started a new job in a career that was my dream. I’m not sure if I had chosen differently if those things would have happened. I do not regret my decision. Do I sometimes feel sadness towards it? Yes, I do. I don’t think that will ever go away, but I know I made the right decision. A year after everything I ended up meeting an amazing man who really put the meaning of ‘love’ in perspective for me. We are engaged now, I have an amazing career, and I’m thinking about furthering my education even more.

It’s sad that there is a stigma for abortion. It isn’t for everyone, but the women who do go through it do not make these decisions easily. Ripping away a women’s right to do what she wants with her body is wrong. You are ultimately telling that woman that she doesn’t matter, and I’m not sure if those people can even call themselves ‘pro-life.’ What about our rights? Not just the unborn fetus? I respect people’s beliefs and do believe we are entitled to how we all feel, but I don’t think some take into consideration how awful and painful this decision already is.” —Anonymous

#notready #bestdecision

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