I feel empty inside...

“I feel empty inside and a sense of loss. Two days ago I experienced an abortion. It was not natural that I decided to go through that. When I found myself pregnant, I was scared, sad, and I did not know what to do. My boyfriend got a bit angry at first, and as a man, very rational. My first instinct, like all mothers, was to keep that little one. The connection was there. It is scientific, there is a hormone that connects the mother and the baby straight away. I thought, why not keep it? I didn’t care about money, about my new job, about anything. I just wanted the best for that new little thing. What I did not realise was that, the best, in this capitalist world, is, at least, to have a good position in life. Financially and emotionally.

I am not saying all parents would need to be rich or everything needs to be perfect to expect a kid, but as a mother and father, we always want to give the best to our kids. One thing led to the other, and my boyfriend and I weren’t in the position to give the best to our first kid, unfortunately. At 6 weeks pregnant we went to the clinic and I had a surgical abortion. While I was waiting, I got even more sad. Of course what I was expecting to experience shortly but also, what broke my heart even more, was to see how busy that clinic was. In one hour at the clinic I noticed 6 different girls. The receptionist did not stop taking calls and give away some information about abortion. It is sad to know that so many people go through what I was going through.

The procedure was quick, all the staff at the clinic were nice and friendly. No judgments. I had local anaesthesia and sedation it’s what helped me even more to go through the surgery without getting too emocional or nervous. After one and a half hours in the clinic, I went home. I was feeling relieved. Not because I was not pregnant anymore but I stopped having those feelings that were killing me: ‘what I am going to do with my job, and my money, I need to buy a new car, I need to move out to a better apartment, I don’t have anyone’s help here. Maybe I should go back to my country but I don’t want to leave my boyfriend here.’ I was totally lost.

Once at home, my first day after the procedure goes well, the second day an empty feeling embraced me. Was that the right decision? I feel guilt and overwhelming sadness, especially when I see friends going through their own pregnancies. I feel like I was selfish and a terrible person who chose my life over my child's. I don’t know, and maybe, I will never know if I will get through the guilt. My partner and I plan to start a family in 2 years, when we will be more stable financially, as I just started a new job and new career in this country. I need to forgive myself for doing what I did. Remorse is a horrible feeling. It seems like I will live the next two years just thinking of one thing: get pregnant again. I have read so many stories and girls that had the same experience that said after a certain time they got emotionally much better. I am hoping to get better, maybe I just need to wait until my pregnancy hormones go away.” —Clara

#loss #international #sadness #notready

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