I don't know how to start this...


“I don’t know how to start this, and I don’t even know if writing this will help make me feel better. All I know is regret. Just graduating from high school, in the summer I met this guy. That, I believe, I felt much love for. He made me happy and made me feel like we had something good going on. Everything with him felt good, I enjoyed every day with him.

‘Til this day, I don’t really know if he ever felt anything real for me. We had sex very quickly, he was leaving to the army soon, but I continued to have sex with him. Sometimes we used protection and sometimes we didn’t. I took plenty of plan b’s and the week he left I got my period, so I thought there was nothing to worry about. But I ended up confusing my period with spotting. Or maybe it was my period.

The doctor said any of those could’ve been possible. I didn’t find out about my pregnancy until weeks later by accident. The very next day I found a clinic. I didn’t really think things thoroughly. All I knew is that I was alone and that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t sure I was attending college. I knew deep inside I would ruin things for the dad’s life. I was lost, completely lost. I made up my mind quick.

I got an abortion at the age of 18. At the clinic I took the first pill, as soon as I swallowed it I felt so much hate towards myself. The next day I took the second dose, it was probably the hardest thing I ever done. And will ever do. Just remembering the moment makes me hate myself even more. I remember sitting in the tub for hours praying and apologizing to God for what I was doing.

I reminded myself that I was going to be okay. I hate thinking about how alone I felt in that moment, I remember sitting in the tub thinking nothing was real. When the pain started increasing I went to the toilet, I believe the fetus came out. I felt the emptiest I ever felt. My heart felt a type of pain I don’t wish upon anybody.

The next morning, I remember being in so much pain I couldn’t really move I couldn’t even take my blanket off my body. I always fought with everything I had in me to stand up for my beliefs in pro-choice. So disappointed in myself. I don’t believe abortion was the right choice for me. I feel like I will forever feel empty. I will forever feel guilty. My own blood. I created you. I am so sorry. So sorry. I love you, I do mean it. I’m so sorry. I’ll never forget August 1, 2018. I should’ve listened to my heart.” —Gabriela Martinez

#loss #medicationabortion #regret

Recent Posts

See All

When I had my abortion I was only 18...

"When I had my abortion I was only 18. I originally didn’t want to have it, but after I was told by the dad that he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby I knew it would be a bad idea to have

I got an NHS medical abortion in May 2019...

“I got an NHS medical abortion in May 2019. I am 22 years old and in a very happy and loving 5-year relationship. We have always spoken about having children and are very excited about one day having

There is still some secret shame...

"There is still some secret shame that lingers inside, coming from a religious home, coming from a Bangladeshi home. I'm 23 now. I had grown up thinking being a mother was all that a woman could be. T

A PROJECT OF
Preterm logo

© Preterm 2018 | 12000 Shaker Boulevard, Cleveland, OH 44120 | info@preterm.org