“My surgical abortion story. Searching for stories to ease my anxiety when searching the internet to find someone on the same page as me when it comes to pregnancy and abortion, it was a challenge to find stories that helped me get a grasp on what the surgical procedure was going to be like. I found people who had posted videos titled ‘my abortion experience’ who only went on to say in the end that they did not have an abortion, meaning they did not experience an abortion; they experienced changing their mind about having an abortion.
I found this frustrating. These are very different topics and I didn’t find the stories helpful. These people should title their posts differently as not too mislead readers who are serious about getting the procedure and are simply looking for actual testimonies. I found these videos and posts cringy and manipulative to almost borderline offensive. We get it that you think you’re a better person because you decided not to have the abortion for whatever reason(s). Whatever.. I’m not making this post to convince women to or not to abort their embryos or fetuses, I’m making this because there are some of us that 110% do not want a growing embryo inside of us, who are completely unattached to the embryo, who want to hear blunt experience stories on how it felt, mentally and physically, to have a surgical abortion.
Most of the sources I found were completely smothered by religious extremist who seem to always over-sensationalize pregnancy. I could not find someone who was cut and dry; this is what happened; this was my experience. So here I am. I’m making this post to offer those out there like me who want to hear a straight forward experience without the unnecessary manipulations attached to it. I am writing in this way to be firm and direct. I am not a heartless person and I do want children in the future, but when I feel like everything is in alignment for an enjoyable experience for me and my partner and the child.
About me & my reasons for termination. I am 25, to be 26 in November. The thought of allowing a fetus to grow inside of me just completely nauseates me… just… no. It’s not happening until I am ready. Until this country is in good standing.
I know what most people think, you should just not have sex, get on birth control, or wear condoms, but to me, that outlook just isn’t humanly realistic and never will it be. I practice mindful conception. We were designed to reproduce. That is why we are here after all, but that doesn’t mean that we should have to every time we are given the opportunity. And this is where I stand. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Reproduce. But I simply refuse to reproduce for many reasons.
One, I’m afraid of raising a baby on my own with little to no emotional, physical, or financial support from the father. Families split after a baby more so than not and this scares me so much to the point that currently I feel like I’ll never be able to commit to it. Two, healthcare in this country is completely and utterly fucked. Three, maternity leave policies are fucked. Four, job or pay security is almost non-existent. Five, good quality, affordable child care is impossible. Six, I can’t afford it. I am a broke college student who’s $30,000 in debt, just because I wanted to learn and get a decent job that I don’t completely hate. Anyways seven, our economy is failing slowly, but surely. Eight, our president sucks. Sucks isn’t even the word. Nine, this country just sucks altogether anymore. Ten, I’m not ready to not be selfless.
The actual surgical abortion experience Tuesday, July 17th, 2018, I get into the clinic; I read documents making sure I understand the procedure correctly and what it entails and exerts encouraging that I make the right decision for myself whatever it may be. After some time, I had an ultrasound estimating me to be 13 weeks pregnant. I feel I should elaborate on this…I’ll start by saying, I am pro-abortion up until a baby is able to live outside of the womb, unless something is medically wrong with the fetus, I don’t agree with aborting it that late into the pregnancy.
I’m a firm believer in being mindful of my body every day and making decisions as early as possible especially in this case. I was so disappointed that I let myself get that far into the pregnancy. I just couldn’t believe it. The first abortion I had, I had at 6 weeks and aborted by pill. This is an ideal situation for me because I didn’t think I would be able to do the surgical abortion. I was completely petrified. Having been as far as I was really hurt me, but my decision was made, had been made even before becoming pregnant. I knew I was probably pregnant the day after missing my period because mine are exact and consistent. I had tender breast, sensitive nipples and was really lethargic and nauseous. The signs were there.
Instantly, I tried to self-induce a miscarriage using pure vitamin c. Heavy bleeding started the day of taking the vitamin c and continued for 5 days, I thought that something was happening, but I wasn’t sure what. The bleeding stopped and then returned the next week spontaneously and super concentrated and lasted for about 3 days and tapered off for about the next two weeks. I don’t have health insurance, money is an issue and after doing a lot of reading online I was convinced that I was having a miscarriage and had a case of bacterial vaginosis and that with time most cases resolve themselves, so I chose to wait it out.
I was banking on this information, even though I should not have. Lesson learned. Anyways, the bleeding faded to an orange discharge with an odor that tapered for that next two weeks. I took the pregnancy test and seen the positive, I immediately called an abortion clinic and told them my story. They said if I had an infection that they couldn’t treat me until it was resolved. I still had all the same symptoms noted before. Something was up. I took a pregnancy test. Positive. The confirmation made my heart drop, even though I already knew. I made an appointment at an urgent care where the doctor said he thought I was having an incomplete miscarriage and diagnosed me with bacterial vaginosis. He took two different blood samples on different days for an hcg test. I had to wait over a week total to get the results back confirming a viable pregnancy.
My hcg levels went from 91,000 to 104,000. By then the infection had cleared and I made an appointment at the local abortion clinic and to continue my story, found out that I was 13 weeks pregnant. This just broke me. I cried. I could not believe that I had let it go that far, but I did. Moral here: do not put it off. Get it taken care of asap if you are as sure as I am/was. Being 13 weeks determined that I would have the surgical procedure. A wrath of guilt, worry, anxiety, gut wrenching fear came across me. I couldn’t believe my ears. After a simple blood test, taking medicines to help with pain, and swelling and to soften my cervix to prepare for the procedure, and changing into the medical gown, I went back to the in-patient waiting room.
After about 30 minutes, I started to feel some faint cramping, which felt like good progress was being made, but the emotions were strong. I 100% did not/do not want a baby, but I did not want to experience the surgical abortion, yet I knew I had too. You feel so ‘ughhh, but it’s gotta/going to happen’. Like you’re parenting yourself into doing something you don’t want to do, but know you have too to get what you want.
After hours of waiting, my name was finally called. It was my turn. I was so nauseously anxious, but it calmed me knowing that I was strong; as strong as all the women before me who had had an abortion and that this was the only option for me. I kept telling myself that it would be over soon and that I would be on my way. I got into the surgery room, onto the table and placed my feet into the stirrups, shaking, distraught and so nervous. The nurses and the doctor swarmed in, introduced themselves and explained briefly to me what would be done. As soon as I walked into that room everything happened so fast. And I mean fast.
First was the speculum and then it was time for the anesthetic injections. These injections felt exactly as I imagined: sharp, edgy, pinchy, a lot of sharp pressure. It was like a discomfort you just wanted to get away from. I would rate it on a pain scale from 1-10, 0 being painless and 10 being unbearable, as about a 4. It wasn’t completely unbearable, but it was painfully uncomfortable. The doctor injected the anesthetic in four different places. The first and second injections weren’t as bad as the third. The third was the most intense so much that I unexpectedly reached up and grabbed the nurse’s arm that was stabilizing my lower abdomen. The fourth was a breeze because it wasn’t near as bad as that third one. The needles hurt. People say that it feels like a pap smear, but this procedure is definitely a step or two up from anything experienced during a general routine pap smear.
The injections were the worst part, by far, but it only took the doctor about a minute and some change to complete, if that. Next came the dilators, a series of rods designed to slowly and gradually dilate the cervix. During this step you just feel the sharp pressure. Like one of the worst menstrual cramps you’ve ever had, plus some. It took her about the same amount of time to dilate my cervix as it did for her to inject the anesthetic. After the dilation process was complete, in came the vacuum, which felt exactly like it sounds.
This part was ugh. This part felt a little aggressive and random as the doctor stirred it around from all angles and depths. This last part took about another 30 seconds, if that. So total time spent on the table was less than 4 minutes. Once it was done I just kind of laid there in shock like okay that just happened and it’s over now. You feel a lot of different things physically and mentally. But ultimately I felt such a relief that it was done and over with for the moment. You need a minute to catch up and absorb that it was already over. My nerves were on high alert, racing. I was so shaky and unstable. The whole time my fight or flight system wanted me to get up and run, I was holding this back with everything that I had just focusing on, again, the fact that it would be over soon and that I’d be on my way.
Instant gratification! I felt such a weight come off mentally, but physically, I was having cramps rated at a like a 2.5 on a pain scale from 1-10. From that room I walked over to the recuperation room. The pain of a 2.5 tapered off to a 1.5 within 5-10 minutes. I was comfortable enough to leave within 15 minutes of mellowing out and going over the last bit of information given by the nurse. The bleeding started instantly yet gradual in amount and got heavier from about 10 minutes after the surgery and lasted for about 3 days with a flow of like a regular period. Total, I bled for 14 days, again like a regular period with a little more cramping than normal plus passing some tissue and clots.
I had chosen to go alone and had no trouble driving myself all over the city and an hour and a half back home. I actually spent the rest of the day in the area just taking my time. I went and ate at not one but two different Indian restaurants, picked up a movie and then headed home. In many ways it was nice having the experience to myself and then having the time I needed after to gather myself for some positive self-treatment without the company of someone who would have had to wait on me for 5 hours, which would have added to my stress.
Later that night, I did begin to feel the pinchy-sharp feelings from where, it felt like, the anesthetic had been injected. I suppose the anesthetic was wearing off, but this still just felt like some sharp needle-like cramping. I’m writing most of this the day after my procedure. All in all, once you get past those needles, which really aren’t that terribly bad, it’s a breeze from there. If you are like me in this situation, the pain that I did feel was worth it a million times over, to keep the life I wanted for myself. I cannot express enough how grateful I am to have these resources available. Without them I may not still be sitting here typing this.
My message to the anti-choice protesters: there are far bigger issues in the world that are desperately screaming for your attention, than what a women wants or doesn’t want for herself and her body. Living children are being beaten, abused, killed, and left hungry, alone, without proper care and without a voice. There are millions of born children who are suffering that you are overlooking. I beg all of you ‘pro-life-ers’ to redirect your attention to the little ones who actually need your help, to the children who are patiently awaiting to be adopted. Your efforts are needed here. Please put your energy into helping those babies and children who are alive and suffering. Keep religion out of it. Please. Whether you like it or not, your religion is not absolute and should not dictate the lives of the people around you. Keep it to yourself.
This is a topic for scientist and doctors and anyone who is pro-choice, as we all should be, because your life is too short to be telling others what they can and can’t do with theirs. You are wasting your time and making yourself look psychotic and irrational in the process, whist creating hate for yourself. You’re also only creating a bigger gap between pro-choicers and people like yourself. Let’s focus on giving the community what it needs to provide for a safer, more effective population. Abortions will always be practiced with or without the availability of medical intervention. It may just be the difference between life and death for little human young ladies who just simply do not want that life for themselves at all or in that moment of their lives. You cannot stop this. You can only make it become unsafe for those who could potentially die trying to terminate their pregnancy from home. Get this. Save young ladies, help them.
Choose to allow abortions to be offered safely for women who are not ready to become mothers. It’s her life not and I repeat not yours.” —Alaina Stacy