I'm 19 years old...

"I'm 19 years old, turning 20 in a few months. Children have never been something that I've wanted in my future, but after meeting my boyfriend we have constantly talked about our family together. Although we planned on this happening later, we just recently found out I was pregnant. Although I had known for some time, I delayed taking a test due to being afraid of the result.

My mom was a young mother and has ingrained the idea of "waiting to have children" in me since birth. After seeing the positive result on the test I instantly felt ashamed and scared. My boyfriend and I are in no place to have and raise a child, especially when we are both college students pursuing our dreams.

The next day I called Planned Parenthood and made an abortion appointment. The soonest appointment available was six days away and I couldn't be more eager to end this experience. My boyfriend and I made a promise to not tell any of our family members about the pregnancy so we could avoid drama and disappointment.

As my appointment crept up I slowly found myself becoming more and more scared. I couldn't tell if I was scared for the procedure or the idea that my pregnancy would ultimately be coming to an end. The day of the appointment my boyfriend and I went out to lunch. Throughout my pregnancy I had been craving mac and cheese so to commemorate the experience we chose to order mac and cheese.

At the appointment I found out I was 8 weeks along and my baby's expected due date was my brother's birthday. After looking at the ultrasound and hearing my due date I broke down. Knowing that by my brother's next birthday I could be having a child of my own still really affects me. I got a copy of my ultrasound and began comparing pictures of my baby to images of 8 week old fetuses online while waiting for the procedure. Even though I couldn't see every detail, it looked perfect.

I took the medication abortion route so I really didn't experience anything until the next day, but after taking the first pill I instantly became sad. This thing that had been with me for the past 8 weeks was going to be gone within 24 hours. After taking the second dose of pills the next day I began experiencing heavy cramping. I even got nauseous and threw up a few times. I called my boyfriend because I had driven home for the weekend, and explained to him what was happening. Within two hours I began bleeding heavily. Within six my pregnancy was completely terminated.

I think the part that has really affected me was that I saw my fetus. Although the nurse assured me that it was highly unlikely I would see anything, I saw and practically held my little 8 week old baby. Like I said, the ultrasound seemed perfect; and when looking at my baby I could tell that if I would have kept it, it would have been perfect. As I lay in my bed reflecting on my abortion that occurred only 24 hours ago, I can't help but feel ashamed. If only this pregnancy would've happened even two or three years later, my boyfriend and I could've kept and raised our perfect baby.

Now I will never see this baby grow up, never get to know if it would have been my baby boy or girl. I know that we are in no place to raise a child but I just wish we could have been. This experience has taught me that I really do want children and when I am in the right place I will hopefully be able to experience pregnancy once again.

Although no other child will ever be able to replace this baby, I will do all that I can to raise my future child in a loving environment. I am so sorry I couldn't keep you, I desperately wish I could. You were a perfect combination of me and your father; I will always love you and wish things could've happened differently. Please forgive me and I cannot wait till the day I can show you how much you changed me. I love you." —Anonymous

#loss #sadness #bestdecision #notready #collegestudent

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