"Stigma only hurts people who are already hurting. I added to that stigma because I could never envisage myself making such a selfish choice. I wanted to stop people from normalising abortion. Another option seemed so easy to me, too easy, in fact. I couldn't make sense it - why would anyone choose such a thing?
I relapsed one night and called over a drinking buddy. I cheated on my boyfriend and discovered I was pregnant. I wanted a baby so badly - but I couldn't let anyone know the truth. I panicked. I'd been faithful our whole relationship. People would judge me. My friends. My family. This is not me. This is not something I would do. I can't let anyone know.
I ordered pills and took them. It was so painful and terrifying - I thought I'd pass out at one point. I couldn't go to the hospital. What I had done was illegal. I was so afraid that the pain would knock me out.
I prayed, like a hypocrite. My lies became layered. One led to two and two led to three. What has happened to me? This is not me, this is not what I do.
I try to picture the features that my child could have had. I look at babies and feel regret. I feel ashamed. I feel like I've done the worst thing possible.
I don't want anyone to know. My friends are all pro-life. I was adamantly pro-life before this. I dare not open my mouth now. I change the subject if it comes up. I feel a really strong sensation in my stomach whenever it's mentioned. I feel like it's written all over my face - like they know the truth but won't ask the question.
I don't know who to talk to. I'd love to be a mother under different circumstances. Or maybe that was my only chance to have a child and I ruined it? Maybe I could have covered it. I wouldn't be the first. Maybe I should have at least tried? I feel a pain I've never had before. I can't stand myself right now. This is not me. This is not who I am." —Anonymous