I thought this was the man of my dreams and the one I would marry and have a family with...

“I was 21 in a 6 year on and off relationship with my ex. I put my life on hold and followed him around the country because of his job. Back and forth for years. I thought this was the man of my dreams and the one I would marry and have a family with. In October 2015 I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. After the shock we were both so excited, at least I was.

He began to work more, and come home at very late hours. When he would come home he would ignore me and focus on a movie or video games. I felt him becoming very distant. We went to a few appointments and when we sat down with a counselor about our options and the help we could receive, he opened up about his feelings and the truth came out. "I don't want a child."

You can only imagine how I was feeling. I thought this man loved me and I thought this child was a blessing. I didn't know what to think or do. Weeks after that were just constant fights and he would always bring up abortion. The fights become physical at some point and I knew enough was enough. I offered to leave him with his job and move back to my moms and get the help and support me and the baby needed. I did not want to lose my baby.

The following day I cane home from work and he walked over to me in the kitchen. He put $650 on the counter and said "here, this should cover it." I was devastated and so angry with him. He would yell at me and tell me that he "only wants to be successful and he won't allow anything to delay or get in the way on his road to a six figure life." Apparently that meant a baby.

I followed through with the abortion by myself once I felt defeated by his constant eagerness and force of the idea. To this day I have issues related with children and babies in general. I moved back home to get my head straight again. I held on to a lot of regret and fear that I made the wrong choice and that I gave him what he wanted. For the next year I developed a drinking problem trying to cope and mask my emotions.

Luckily I have found some closure within myself with the help of a few supportive friends. I no longer felt regret and sadness over the immediate riddance of what I felt was a burden, but forgiveness to myself for not bringing in the beauty of life into a broken family and them knowing the truth if their father.

Some say I did right and others feel I was selfish. I've moved on from my pain and resentment, my drinking has slowed and is a battle that I try to manage daily. My heart still hurts with the what ifs, but I've accepted my decision finally after so long.” — Victoria

#doesnotwantchildren #gratitude

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