I found out I was pregnant the day of my aunties funeral...

“I found out I was pregnant the day of my aunties funeral. To be honest I already knew. They say you know when you're pregnant and I definitely did. I was 7 days late (very unusual) and had been feeling 'funny' prior to me taking the pregnancy tests. When I found out I frantically rang my closest friend and we laughed and said omg what now.

I'm in a long term relationship, very happy and loving, we're best friends. However, despite it being the perfect relationship it wasn't the perfect time. I live in London and my boyfriend lives in Kent and I'd just started back at university in my final year… my due date was the same date my dissertation was due (bad timing or what?!).

I phoned my boyfriend and told him to come home ASAP as at this point I was starting to freak out. He said he'd support me whatever I decided but made it clear he wasn't ready and it was the wrong time. We joked that we'd press pause and have it in a few years. I worked out that I was 5 weeks pregnant and decided that despite everything I wanted this baby, what doesn't it matter if it's earlier than planned we'd figure it out wouldn't we?

I left it a week and continued to joke with my friends and get excited about my pregnancy, then went to the doctors. Sitting in the waiting room made the whole situation a lot more real than it all seemed before. I cried to my doctor saying I was confused and upset and not in the right frame of mind to make such a big decision at the moment. He listened and looked at me with sympathy - I think he thought I was stupid to get myself in this situation tbh.

Anyway he decided that he would refer me to my "local" (it's an hour away) termination clinic and gave me the necessary paperwork and told me it's my decision I've got everything I need and sent me on my way. After a few more days, tears and conversations I [we] decided that a termination would be the best thing for everyone. For now.

I phoned Marie Stopes International and told them of my situation and I was phoned back with a telephone consultation and a counselling session. I'd decided to have the medical termination after reading lots about it and considering I was only going to be 7 weeks by the time I had the first appointment.

My first appointment came around and with my boyfriend by my side we waited in reception until I was called in. He wasn't allowed in with me but the nurse was so lovely it was ok. She talked me though the process and discussed what would happen and was I sure etc. I then had to lay down to have the scan to confirm how far along I was so I could definitely go through with the medical procedure. This is where everything changed.

After about 10 minutes or so I asked the nurse if everything was ok. She said that everything was there expect for the foetus. I had a cyst on my left ovary and the sack in my uterus where the foetus should have been growing but it wasn't there. She kept looking but it wasn't there I know it sounds ridiculous doesn't it I was really confused as to how I could be "pregnant" without a growing developing foetus.

She then had to do an internal vaginal scan to find the pregnancy so I could continue the process of termination. She eventually found what would have been the baby. Turns out I had miscarried but my body still continued to develop as if I was having a healthy pregnancy even though the foetus had stopped develops at approximately 5 weeks.

I had miscarried but my body hadn't naturally passed the pregnancy. I cried, I was so gutted that I'd lost the baby. I know it's silly because I was there to terminate anyway, so really it should have been easier? But it wasn't.

I cried and cried wishing that I hadn't miscarried and that's I could have this baby. I wanted that baby back, it was taken away from me without me being able to make a choice. I went to the clinic having in the back of my head I wouldn't go through with it. I deep down wanted my baby but it's gone I no longer had the choice, nature done it for me.

The nurse told me to steam myself up go to the loo and do the chlamydia test. I confirmed that I'd like to go back on the injection as well. After the tests I was sent back to the waiting room. My boyfriend was sat there looking at a picture of our friends new born. They'd just Sen the us a picture of their beautiful baby girl they'd had a few hours before as we sat there in the termination clinic finding out our baby was already dead.

Emotionally, I froze. I couldn't cry talk think I was numb. Then I hear my name called. It was time. Time to take the first pill to start the process of termination. This nurse wash very brash, and sarcastic but funny. She reminded me of myself and she made me feel at ease I really liked her. She talked me through the process and gave me four antibiotics and the first pill and gave me an appointment to come back he following day. I was told to hang around as the pill may make me sick and if it was within an hour of consumption I needed to go back.

Anyway I went home and as soon as I got back I was violently sick. I felt like I had a hangover from hell it was awful. No pain or bleeding I just felt really sick and rough. It was about after an hour of taking he pill I was sick so I didn't bother to tell them. The next day I went back to the clinic for the second tablets. I waited about half an hour but wasn't in with the nurse for about three minutes. She gave me my injection and another two antibiotics followed by four dissolvable tablets to place in my gums. I can't lie to you it was disgusting and uncomfortable and I had to keep them there for half an hour.

I was sent home straight away. Within about 10 minutes of putting them in my mouth the pain began and omg was it painful. I don't want to scare you but it's good to be honest. The pain was unreal like multiple stabbings and like my womb was being ripped out. Normally my periods are bad and can make me cry but I'd rather that any day than this pain. It was continuous for about 4 hours. About an hour after the pills I was violently sick a few times but felt better after. I layer in bed with my other half for a few hours and slept. The pain was unbearable and the bleeding was heavy. I had baby wipes to clean my self up a bit because it was really messy and unpleasant tbh.

The next few days I was in mild pain in my tummy but mainly had bad back pain. I had a telephone counselling session three days after the second appointment. She was really lovely and offered me more services. Tbh my experience was different because I'd already miscarried but was tough because I still had to have the termination process.

I'd suggest that you don’t make any decisions until you're certain if your choice. I told a few friends and had lots of support. Tell anyone your trust, it helps! please don't go alone to the appointments you'll need someone with you as it's no easy ride.

Good luck to you all on your own journeys and I hope you have a better experience than me. Just want to thank all the staff at Marie stopes Maidstone they're lovely, supportive and professional. X” —Anonymous

#notready #medicationabortion #overwhelmed

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