We had been married for 3 months, in a new state, when I became pregnant...


"We had been married for 3 months, in a new state, when I became pregnant after losing the job that sent us 2000 miles away from our families. We talked a long time about what to do, my first thought was to have an abortion. I had an abortion 10 years earlier, thinking one now could relieve some pressure of isolation and failure we both felt. However, the next Monday I was called back to my job and my husband found work soon after, we hoped to make it.

Never were we happy about the pregnancy, I was so sick and drained I feared losing my job, and my husband always said he didn't think we could afford a baby yet. At 21 weeks I had a therapeutic abortion to save my life, I was devastated, it was as if my bad will had killed the baby I didn't want. I carried a guilt so deep, it ruined my life, not because the baby died but I never wanted him. Carrying a baby I didn't want was toxic for me, at 20 weeks we still hadn’t told our families about the baby. We just never felt anything but dread, then the baby was dead and I almost died, too.

Many years later we had a son, he is the joy of our lives. Our first pregnancy didnt lead to a baby, which allowed us to become this amazingly solid couple and I could never have learned to love myself, my husband or my son so deeply. I will never force myself to stay pregnant again because it seems like the right thing to do or its what people except. If again I find myself pregnant and my first thought is abortion, its because I have no desire to sacrifice my being to grow another person and I will have an abortion." —Emily

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