I did the second test and it came out positive...


"I did the second test and it came out positive. I was still in the denial phase. Although, I already knew that I was pregnant. I was pregnant from the sweetest guy I had ever met in my life. We were dating now for quite a while but it was too soon to become that serious.

We are both PhD students, still having loads of student loans to pay, and although I have a part time job as a lawyer in a quite prestigious firm, my salary is merely enough to pay for my own costs. I knew there would be no way for me to afford having a child. But financial concerns were not alone. I come from a Muslim nation, where having extra matrimonial relationships is per se a sin, let alone having a baby outside of marriage. I knew my parents, despite knowing that I was dating this German guy and being ok with it, would never accept me having a baby from him.

On the other hand, the baby would be stateless, if not accepted as his son by my boyfriend, since my government refuses to give nationality to babies without an Iranian father and in Netherlands, where I currently live, the nationality is blood-based. I’m a very practical person. So I decided not to visit the emotional part of my mind and go for the practical option: abortion.

I spend my Christmas night searching for all abortions clinics I could find near me and filled the appointment forms. The Christmas night and the weekend after that passed slowly. During that time, I spent hours informing myself about the procedure. I was just 3 days late for my period, which meant taking the pill was still an option, although depended on the doctor’s prescription. Also, since it was in less than 16 days from the day my period was due I could legally ask for an abortion right away without the 5 days waiting period in case I want to change my mind.

Finally on 28th I was contacted and a date was set: 31 December. They told me that I could bring up to two friends for me to be there with me during the procedure- whatever it might be. I asked a friend of mine and she was supportive enough. Not judgmental at all, knowing my situation.

The only thing that was left was to tell my boyfriend. Those friends of mine who were close enough to know about the situation were divided on whether I should tell the guy. Some said he should not be left out of the decision making process because it is also his child. The others however, thought why bothering him if your decision is not going to change.

At the end, I decided not to tell him. He was in Germany at the time I found out about it all and was already sad enough about his parents splitting up. Practical considerations made me think again that it would be a good idea to just go through my decision alone and not making his situation more difficult. I’m not going to keep this a secret from him forever, because obviously we have to be more careful in our sexual encounters to make sure that things like this will not happen again, and this needs a good level of communication. But for now, my lips are sealed until he comes back.

I know that going through the procedure all alone may be a burden for me and his presence would definitely make me feel better and more secure. But, at the end of the day, it is my body I have to choose for." —Miriam

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