It is very hard to write my story because I have to get over the shame...


"It is very hard to write my story because I have to get over the shame I feel for my past situation that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. Along the years I tried to speak about it to a few people, but I ended up telling half-truths and what I thought at the time were lies. Nevertheless, I knew I wanted so badly to tell my story to a trusting and non-judgmental person. The only one I told the whole truth to was my therapist a couple years later.

This is now my true story: I had a bitter divorce at age 26 from a marriage that lasted two years. I turned to alcohol and pills with the intention of blacking out to forget my “pathetic” circumstances and often times I woke up in someone’s random apartment not knowing how I got there.

I met three different men on separate occasions and would bounce back and forth between spending the night with them, each not knowing I had another lover. Only one of them did I truly have feelings for, but felt so ashamed to show it because I was betraying his trust by sleeping with two other men. I stopped using birth control one month prior because I was determined after the divorce I wouldn’t trust another man in bed, only the alcohol and pills made me act otherwise.

I was careless having unprotected sex, because in a way I thought my body and life isn’t worth it anymore. I missed my period and took a test, of course turning out to be positive. Never once did I feel I was going to keep it, because I didn’t know which of the three men got me pregnant. I turned to the man I had feelings for, saying I got pregnant from my ex-husband the last month we were still married. I still don’t know why I confided in him, but I knew he’d be supportive. He accompanied me to Planned Parenthood and I scheduled my abortion.

Three different clinicians encouraged me to have a medical abortion, saying I would “miscarry at home and it feels like a heavy period”. I got the pills, went home and decided it’s best to be alone during the process. I ate a big breakfast, as directed, and waited for the pills to kick in- it didn’t take long until I ran to the bathroom and had intense diarrhea accompanied by heavy bleeding and cramps. I had to pee, vomit, bleed and poop at the same time and went to the shower to expel everything. I cried and my nose was snotting; basically every orifice in my body was expelling bodily fluids.

I am a doula (childbirth coach) and used my birthing methods to overcome the pain, but it still was excruciating. I felt I was “being punished” and deserved all the pain that was raw and embarrassing. I still bled after two weeks (something they said would pass) so I went for my follow up appointment and, lo and behold, I was still pregnant with remaining tissue inside my uterus.

No one told me that was a risk, and that risk also can lead to septicemia that can kill me. I ended up with a D&C with a doctor that looked at my file and said flatly, “I see the pills didn’t work. Well I’m sorry about that.” I started bawling, for the first time I cried, and the anesthesiologist yelled at me, “Stop crying!” because apparently my airways should be fully clear when I go under general anesthesia. I didn’t know that either.

For years I bottled in the experience, and wanted to talk about it. I lied to some clients that told me they miscarried in the past, saying that I too miscarried once and I understand their pain. I felt terrible afterwards for lying but somewhat relieved to at least say a “half-truth”.

I went to a post-abortion support group, also saying I got pregnant by my ex-husband, because I didn’t want to seem like a “whore who got pregnant by who knows”! I talked to a girl recently who sought my doula advice because she was freshly post-abortion and was undergoing severe stress. I told her my story and felt compelled to seek counseling and tell my true story. She was a godsend that helped me open up my floodgates, and now, this is my story.

I am no longer afraid to say I got pregnant by one of three men, I was 26 years old, I come from a religious background where this situation is “shameful”, and I lied to my clients about miscarrying. But all in all, I am proud to say I stuck to my decision and never regretted getting an abortion. I am happy now that I had the choice to keep it or terminated it, and I am happy that my body can conceive.

I feel free now, but the shame still sets in every now and then, like when I see a mother with a three-year-old, because that would have been me. My doula clients are becoming mothers, and that also pains me sometimes because I would have been that three years ago. I sometimes feel that I’ll still be “punished”, and my next pregnancy will result in a miscarriage or that my baby will have deformities or another disability.

That is my struggle, but this is why I’m writing my story- because finally admitting the truth is making up for those years I kept silent. I hope I inspire others to not be ashamed of their true story either." —Yael

#shame #proud

Recent Posts

See All

When I had my abortion I was only 18...

"When I had my abortion I was only 18. I originally didn’t want to have it, but after I was told by the dad that he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby I knew it would be a bad idea to have

I got an NHS medical abortion in May 2019...

“I got an NHS medical abortion in May 2019. I am 22 years old and in a very happy and loving 5-year relationship. We have always spoken about having children and are very excited about one day having

There is still some secret shame...

"There is still some secret shame that lingers inside, coming from a religious home, coming from a Bangladeshi home. I'm 23 now. I had grown up thinking being a mother was all that a woman could be. T

A PROJECT OF
Preterm logo

© Preterm 2018 | 12000 Shaker Boulevard, Cleveland, OH 44120 | info@preterm.org