Growing up I was never the girl who played house...

"Growing up I was never the girl who played house, or dreamed of her wedding, or even wanted kids. But that all changed when I found out I was four and a half months (19 weeks) pregnant. I had to start thinking of the possibility of me becoming a mother. Recently people had been telling me it looked like I gained weight or it looked as if my boobs had gotten bigger. I figured it was just winter weight, I'd lose it in the next month and be ready for summer, no big deal. But after listening to this for three weeks I asked my boyfriend of 6 months if we should take a test. He said it was my choice but it will be negative, we have nothing to worry about. We had never really been careful, never used a condom but I had been on birth control. I never thought it would be pregnant.

So there we were, positive. The first thing that comes to mind is "What the hell do we do?” We both decided abortion was the answer. We started looking up 'home abortion remedies' on google. We decided to try the increase of vitamin C which is supposed to heat the uterus causing the fetus not to survive. I was taking 11,000mg of vitamin C everyday for a week along with throwing up every day from such a high increase. My body wasn't reacting well to this.

I decided to go to a free clinic that offered counseling, free testing, as well as a free ultrasound. I was very comfortable when I was there. I felt I had extra support during my decision process. After confirmation of a positive result it was time to find out how far along I was. I had asked the nurse to turn the sound off as well as the tv. To me, seeing the baby made it real. She told me she was having problems taking measurements because he was moving.

He. Moving. I broke down. I couldn't handle knowing that he was alive. Alive and moving. After getting the news I called my boyfriend and had him meet me at home. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I decided then that I needed to find a clinic that did second trimester abortions and one that could get me in fast. The next day I went to the new clinic and had the first steps done to getting my abortion. When I arrived there were protesters outside of the building. The horrible things they were saying almost made me turn around, but the amazing volunteer staff that worked for the clinic helped me inside and made me feel like I wasn't wrong for the choice I was making.

After my initial visit I was scheduled to come back a week later to have laminaria, or little sticks of seaweed put into my cervix to help dilate me so the removal of the fetus was easier on my body. The RN told me all of the safety precautions along with what could potentially happen when I got home, this included the possibility of them falling out. She knocked on the wood door while saying "in the five years I've been doing this I've never had that happen to a patient." I warned her saying I tend to have the worst luck ever. Remember this.

I get home from the appointment and was preparing to just relax and do nothing, but I was to return the following day for my procedure. Throughout the night I began to have bad cramps so I took pain pills that the clinic had given me just for this reason. My boyfriend stayed with me that night so he'd be there in the morning to take me to the clinic to have the procedure done. Around 7am I woke up with the urge to go to the bathroom. I did my business as usual and decided to take another pain pill so I could get a bit more sleep. Minutes later I was in the bathroom throwing up, however, the force of me getting sick caused the laminaria to fall out. I was scared. I called the clinic help line and they connected me to the doctor performing the abortion. He told me to come in early and I would be the first person he'd see. I had two hours until I had to be there, I decided to lay down and relax.

Next came the pain. I was having contractions. Bad ones at that. They were only minutes apart. I couldn't handle waiting. I was in so much pain. I thought to myself, if this is what it's going to be like I'm never having children. Finally it was time to leave. I was helped into the car and thankfully I decided that I should bring a bucket with me just in case I had gotten sick. Ten minutes later I was throwing up in the car. But this time something felt wrong, very wrong.

Like the laminaria, the force of me throwing up caused the sack my baby was in to come out of me. I was uncontrollably shaking the whole hour it took to the clinic. I thought I was going to need to go to the hospital. When we got to the clinic we went to the backside of the building to avoid protesters for my safety given the fact that my baby was outside of my body and I needed to get the placenta out as soon as possible. I made the doctors wait to do anything until my boyfriend had come back from parking the car. Before all of this happened I decided to be sedated because of how far along I was, so I didn't feel anything that was going to happen. The doctor had sedated me and the last thing I remember was looking up and seeing postcards from different places.

Waking up in the recovery room was a different feeling than what I imagined. I didn't feel relieved, but I didn't feel regret either. My due date was September 19. I still think about what my life would have been life if we kept the baby." —Brooklyn


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