I have always felt that ...

"I have always felt that writing down what you feel helps you to deal and to cope with it. I'm 18 years old and 3 months ago I had an abortion. I was 11 weeks.

I had broken up with my boyfriend only 2 weeks previous to finding out the news. We ended on good terms, he was leaving and so was I. I will never fault him in our relationship but these weeks after leading up to the abortion I saw an ugly side of him. He asked me 'why did you tell me' and claimed he would 'cry if you keep it'. I have never had an extremely strong view on abortion. I believe that everyone's situation is different and we all need to respect that. He told me not to tell my friends and on the day I was supposed to get it done he bailed on taking me as he wasn't in the mood and I went by myself.

I'm a different person now than I was before. I don't smile as much, laugh as much or love as much. I feel guilt. Shame. Regret. I have this dark place inside me that I crawl into sometimes and sit there for hours. My ex told me to get over it, that most girls get this done, that it was all my decision and I had to be fine with it. He then blamed me for making him scared of sex, or having a new relationship. Me? I'm scared of sleep. I have nightmares, awful nightmares. I have a constant 'What if?' complex and I am down in this endless state of sadness that I can't seem to shake. I hope no one ever tells you to 'be fine' with it. You will feel whatever the hell you want to feel. I have learnt to never judge or to never slander anyone who goes through this. Yes, I believe human life is precious, but I also believe that you need to make a decision that is right for you and not have anyone try influence it." —Monique


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